Here's a lil somethin'

Last night/this morning I hung out with an ex-boyfriend. Not Daniel. But (dun, dun, dun) Josh. Yes sir. Even before Daniel and I's break-up I had been planning on getting back in touch and tonight we finally did. We went to lil Rigo's house for movie night and watched Silent Hill (disturbing but entertaining), Spaceballs, and part of The Fall. I'm not too sure if I liked The Fall very much...I mean, it's aesthetically pleasing...but eh. I didn't get into it much and I was getting sleepy. Anyway, hanging out with Josh was a bit weird, but not at all in a bad way. In fact, I had myself a good old time. I even sipped on some Pacifico. To throw it out there, I've always loved hanging out with Josh and his family. They're just great, honestly. And funny as hell. I just feel a sense of "belonging" that I really love. Kind of like the Townes, except the Townes ARE family. Also, besides family, Josh hangs out with people that are so different from what I'm used to. It's refreshing, a breath of fresh (although slightly weed-y) air. They're all way older than we are and I kinda like it that way. Oh, and I got to use my favorite toilet in the whole wide world again! I love little Rigo's toilet! To flush it you have to pull on a string with a kind of knob at the end. It's so fun I swear. I'm getting that same toilet somehow some way. To add, Dory, Rigo's dog, got chubby. But she's still a cutie. Anyway, good night! Literally and figuratively.

Raindrops are falling on my head.

As you already know from my last entry, Daniel and I are no longer one. And even though I know it's best that we aren't together, is it wrong to say that I miss him so much still?

I don't think so.

But I really wish I didn't. It just makes things that much harder. I know I'm not missing friend-Daniel. If I didn't see him for a few days I would be relatively unfazed. Seeing friend-Daniel is seeing the shell of the person I used to be in love with, the person who used to be in love with me. He has his hair, his eyes, his nose, his smile and laugh, his personality, even his heart. But he's not the Daniel I love. I know that I'm missing the person who used to be in love with me. And even though that Daniel is long gone...I still miss him. A person who, essentially, no longer exists. I've been missing him for months....

When will it stop? I honestly at times can't take it...everything we were, gone. In what seemed like a blink of an eye...it all vanished....

I hate that I remember everything. I wish I would forget it all sometimes. To just forget that I ever loved someone so entirely, that I ever gave my all....

I want to start over. I'm not ready to. But God damn it, I want to. I want to start over and get it right next time. No more of this...I'm so tired of being in a relationship that lasts so long only for it to dissolve into nothing but friendship. I'm tired of this bullshit! I can't stand it. Now more than ever do I know what I want in a relationship: A relationship that lasts. And not just for a few years. A relationship that lasts a lifetime. To be clear, I'm not going to go out searching for this person, or rather, a commitment or love. And to be honest, I don't think I'll be able to go out with anyone for a long time. This relationship was such a failure...no...such a heartbreak. I'm tired of breaking hearts and having mine broken. It hurts so much....

I'm hurting. Not because I broke up with Daniel, because I'm actually happy we did, happy we can start to move on and stop the hurting, finally. I've been hurting for so long, for months. I so wanted our relationship to work...and for whatever reason it failed. And the most frustrating and heartrending part of all is that I don't know exactly why it failed. All I know is that it's because of me. All I can say is that I don't believe there's a reason for everything. But for us not working...there has to be. And the reason is out there....

But for now I mourn a loss...a loss so deep I am compelled to an emotion I can't even name.

Say these words slowly out loud:

I.

Miss.

Someone.

Who.

Doesn't.

Exist.

Anymore.

And it's my fault.

And that's why I cry.

I cry so much.

I did it again, without the "Oops"

I FINALLY did it. AGAIN. And if you think I'm referring to breaking up with Daniel...that would be correct! I know, I know. What's going on with me? I seem so...happy? Well, that's because I am. Yes, I am happy. And, no, I am not in denial. Thank God. That was when I WAS in the relationship. No event occurred for this incident, nothing at all was out of the ordinary. It was just time to finally end it. We had given it a second try and it had failed. Today was the day to cut it off for good. When we got back together doubts immediately plagued my mind, and though I tried to shoo them away, I knew that we would eventually be back to this exact spot. We needed to break up in order for US to be happy. I know it may not make sense to some, but for those in our situation, it makes perfect sense. We had lost that "loving feeling" and it had been gone for some time. My worst fear came true! Back in the "golden days" I had had so many plans for our future. There were times he would even ask if I would fancy being his wife. And I had indeed fancied being such a thing, escaping to La La Land and envisioning us forever happy. Looking back I have to laugh. Husband and wife? Yeah, right! We're nothing but the closest of friends now. My "old feelings" from when we used to be in love held me back from seeing the truth. We had changed. Our feelings had changed. We weren't lovers. We were friends. When we first broke up I was in tears; it was so sad to me the state we were in and how much had changed from the beginning. And, yes, it is sad. But this time around I didn't shed a tear. I knew that this was best for us both. I was absolutely relieved after I confessed my feelings. It felt like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. There's so much more to come for both of us and the beautiful thing is, we can still enjoy it together. We ended on such a good note I don't see us drifting apart from one another anytime soon. He's my best friend. And he'll remain my best friend.

May 28, 2008-December 10, 2009.

"I had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you."

Truly. Thank-you.

Today was a good day.

Ah, yes, Ice Cube, today was a good day indeed.

I spent the entire (and I mean ENTIRE) day with my parents. We did a whole bunch of random things including going to Barnes & Noble where I bought something I am very excited about (which I will reveal in a later blog). My parents and I also watched the movie Julie & Julia. What a GREAT movie it turned out to be. I was expecting a big flop to be honest. But Meryl Streep was just lovely (and brilliant) as Julia Child and Amy Adams wasn't annoying at all. I give movies a grade A for a number of reasons, and a big one is for inspiring the audience (or me). And this movie, as you can guess, did just that. Everything about it was so great from the acting to the story. I could relate to it so much. And I can't cook worth a penny! My dad has a Julia Child cookbook and I'm going to start cooking from it tomorrow. My dad and I are going to make mussels, and then I'm going to venture further on my own.

Lately I've become determined to be more productive with my time. Which is awesome and something I haven't felt motivated to do for some time. With my bouts of loneliness, it's hard to focus your energy on anything other than sadness. Sometimes it takes a good kick in the head to unravel you and get you back on track.

And sometimes it takes a great movie.

Happy Turkey Day, folks!

Well, too much has happened since I last updated my blog. Among the greatest: I got accepted into CSUSB, I got a job at AMC theaters, and I'm joining the Air Force ROTC at my school. Among the lowest: I broke up with Daniel (temporarily) and though I have Daniel I'm lonely.

Ah...

Loneliness. It makes you sad. Not to say that I'm depressed or anything, but at times I do get sad. Today is Thanksgiving and I had a good time with my parents. We ordered food from Claim Jumper (they have this Thanksgiving special), watched football and a movie and pigged out. It was a pleasant day. But now that it's over (for at least our family) I got to thinking about what I had planned for the upcoming week.

Work. Check. School. Check.

...and...

...

Nothing.

Check.

It's tough having nothing planned with friends, even my own boyfriend I have to schedule to see because of work and such.

Nowadays its become increasingly hard to plan anything with anyone. And I really hate to have to plan to see my friends and my boyfriend.

But such is life. You have to accept it.

And I hate that too.

I miss my social life. Even the social life I had last year. Friends make such a huge difference. I feel like I should move into the dorms at school just so I could have that experience all over again. I miss having a roomie. I miss seeing my floormates every morning. I miss never having to be alone.

I know I've been saying I hate things a lot...but I hate being alone now. Before I kind of enjoyed it. But now I really despise it.

Anyway...I'm at a loss when it comes to loneliness. It's just going to sit in the pit of my stomach until...well...until it goes away I guess. We'll see if anything decides to change.

Other than that, which I think is one of the biggest feelings I have right now, I've been thinking a lot lately (thanks loneliness). About a number of things; my relationship, my future, friends, my future career, etc.

With my relationship...ever since Daniel and I broke up...it just seems that our break up is this big, gray, over looming cloud. Even though nothing's wrong right now (say I'm bright as the sun) this huge cloud decides to show up and say something like, "Hey, remember this!" and cast doubts on my relationship. Okay, I know that's a horribly put analogy, but I mean the memory of our break up haunts me. It's dramatic but unfortunately I feel it's true. I said something that I was absolutely sure of at the time of our break up. "I don't feel the same way about you anymore" meaning "I don't love you anymore." Yes, it got that bad. And I asked if he felt the same and he agreed. I guess my mind is afraid that all of that could happen again, that even though we patched up our relationship and it's fine now, that deep inside we might harbor those same feelings. All I know for sure is that things are different. Ever since about a month before we broke up, things have been very different. Horribly different at first, but now...I'm not sure what kind of different it is. I really miss the old us, how we used to be. More, how he used to be with me, really. Now...I know he cares about me, loves me. But...just not how he used to. And when I dwell upon that, I can't help but get sad. But I try not to. This leads me to my next point. I don't know where my relationship is headed (and I've never known) but before I was always sure of it going in the "right direction" (wherever that lead) or down a positive path. Now I just feel that I'm waiting to break up again. Is this how it feels when you break up and get back together? Perhaps with some. But I don't think this is how it should feel. I don't think it should feel as it did back in the old days but I definitely feel it should be similar. I shouldn't be thinking that we're going to eventually break up again and that's that. I don't want to think that. Because how can you have a healthy relationship when you're just waiting for it to end? I really need to get out of this mentality.

Off note, considering my future. I've been thinking a lot about marriage. I really want to get married (and hold on, I'm not saying to Daniel or anything like that so don't get all crazy). But it's very true. I've always wanted to get married, but now it's becoming a stronger and more prominent thought. I just want to find that person, for us to be absolutely in love and in sync and start our family, dammit!

I wish it worked like that...but by golly. Who knows when that will happen.

About my friends. I feel so out of touch with them even though I know when we all get back together it will be like no time passed at all. Except that it has. What are we going to talk about besides what's been going on in our own individual lives? I just miss them. I miss talking about things that we experienced together. Not apart.

My future career...English teacher. I'm pretty set on it, I'm already taking classes and I honestly feel snug in my choice. I look forward to having a professional job, though God knows it's going to be a challenge getting one in this economy.

Troublemaker.

Another night of no sleep. Insomnia is here to stay.

Listening to Weezer makes me want to jump around on my bed with music blasting. But I can't really do that right now, so I'm channeling my excess energy into blogging - while listening to Weezer.

Let's see, an odd thing happened tonight. After work I went with some friends to Jose's Tacos since they were hungry (and I wanted to freeload off their free and unlimited access to chips and salsa). While there, a dear friend, Obi, went to get a refill of Dr. Pepper. While filling his cup with ice I suppose he spotted a bat. Yes, the animal, flying around. He rushed back to the table to report what he saw. Naturally, we didn't believe him so we went to investigate ourselves. We didn't see anything at first, but then one of the employees pointed to a tiny black dot hanging onto a window curtain. Since it was nighttime I couldn't clearly make out the object, and I still had my doubts about it being a bat. But, after an employee threw a tortilla chip at it, it burst into flight and chased us back to our booth in fright (and some excitement). It's not everyday you find a bat flying around in a taco shop. Eventually, one of the employees smacked it with a broom and stunned it. It was actually all pretty funny (forgive us PETA for we have sinned).

Other than that, I finally decided on future girl names for my potential female children. Of this, I am very satisfied. You really start running out of things to think about when you're up on a lifeguard tower. So, I decided on two. The only thing is, I'd like to have two girls to use either of these names and since I can't really decide what sex my hoodlums will be or how many of each I'll have, I've come up with another name for a single girl. For two I've decided on Sophia (Sophie) and Olivia. I think both these names are extraordinarily adorable and suitable, and they just sound great together. For a single, I like Lily. It's also adorable. We'll see what happens with these names....

Sharing this, I'd like to show everyone how incredibly boring my job is. I often wonder what people think about at their jobs (because, let's get real, most jobs are ridiculously boring). I'd really like to know, so I'm going to make it my Question of the Week.

...I'm contemplating whether or not I should go into the topic of friends...

Nah. I'm all of a sudden tired.

3685.

I can't stop listening to "3685" by The Spill Canvas.

A lot of things have happened since my last post (and I never did mention that Michael Jackson died, so there's that).

But anyway, one thing that sticks out from the 4th to the 18th is that I got into another tiff - well, actually, fight - with Daniel again. I wasn't really expecting this one, it just sort of came out of the blue. It all started with...what is it called kids? That's right! MISUNDERSTANDING. And something the kids wouldn't know: assholiery (opposite equivalent to chivalry and other words associated). It was bad, it was ugly, and it helped me to see things more clearly. Though the basis of our fight wasn't "stupid," and his actions were less than honorable, I have to keep in mind that I'm really not any better. Still, it gave me some closure. Pissed off, exasperated, bewildered, saddened...did I mention pissed off? - it all helped me to understand that I need to make the best of what we have, or still have. One day, a day that will come swiftly I'm sure, we'll be 3685. And we'll look back on our relationship, smile, and continue grilling hot dogs and hamburgers on our backyard grill standing next to our spouse and watching sporadic children run across the yard (hm, well maybe in my case). Sure, this will come with time - the looking back and smiling and not sobbing. But I have no doubt that the moving on will come, for it must. Still, I feel upset when I think about it, and I can't seem to shake it off my mind. Daniel is the first boy I ever loved, been in love with. And my oh my, when I think about our relationship and its wonderful, perfect beginnings, I can't help but to smile a grin that would have you asking me, "Are you okay?" And I'd give you one that said, "Never been better."

It's just so...overwhelming, overpowering, this love I feel. In a lot of ways it feels different than when I first felt it, not as exciting I guess you could say. A lot of things have happened since our perfect four months. A lot. But, my take on relationships is that whatever happens, happens and, everything happens for a reason. Because you learn. You learn from them and tailor your experience to better meet The One. A "system" so to speak. Often times I've thought of Daniel and I in that way - that kind of wishful thinking you can't really stray away from. It's a fun thought to entertain, but ultimately dire. I don't entertain those thoughts any longer. I know they're dire. Now all I want is to spend as much time as I can with him until we part ways. And even though I'd still want to be friends, even though I'd love to know him all my life, I know that this, too, is highly unlikely. I just don't think I could. And I've learned that remaining friends with an ex is...somewhat impossible, at least in my case. Things change. They always change. Whether they be people, places, or "things," they change. Sometimes it just isn't possible, no matter how possible you try to make it be. Things have already started changing for Daniel and I. I don't feel that..."umph" anymore. "You've lost that loving feeling" kind of feeling. I'd say it's fleeting temporarily.

Anyway, other than my coming to grips, I started work. In fact, I have work in a few hours. Goodie. I still hate my manager Elena. William's still annoying and I have so few hours all it's good for is gas and car payments.

As for friends...my, my. It's much too late for that. Next time.