Maryland: Day 1

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh...

It is so refreshing.

Vanessa's in her 3-hour journalism class and I'm just-showered in a cramped yet cozy dorm room with the window cracked open. The weather is a bit wet and therefore wildly exhilarating. From the window I can see a brick building and a bare tree, dampened and dark from the morning rain. It's already five o' clock and I've spent the whole day adjusting to East Coast time.

My flight got in at around 6:30am. It was a peaceful flight; everyone seemed to fall asleep - except for me that is. I didn't get to have any interesting conversations, but the older couple next to me were very kind people. I'm definitely bringing food on my way home because all they seemed to show was Man v. Food. Not cool United Airlines. Not cool. The journey was a bumpy one filled with turbulence - which was just grand. Even though I thought I was somewhat traumatized from the five-foot drop on my last flight, I wasn't scared in the slightest, it was actually quite fun, though we did have a harsh landing. It was foggy when we came in, so the landing came out of nowhere. I felt like a lone swimmer in the ocean, waiting for the worst. Which touches on something of interest. I feel I'm somewhat of a morbid person. For some reason, if I'm doing something remotely dangerous, I think of the worst case scenario. Take the plane for instance, I kept thinking "What if Man v. Food is the last thing I watch before I die? That would be kind of funny." I mean, how morbid is that? I guess it's not too bad though. At least I'm not Harry Burns.

Anyway, I LOVE TRAVELING! Especially via airplane. I LOVE IT. From the hustle and bustle of the airport, to people-watching in the terminal, to finding your seat and settling in for a ride unlike any other. It's honestly the GREATEST. I guess traveling could be considered a hobby/interest, and as one, it would be my favorite. Once I landed, I grabbed my luggage (which was giving me a scare, mine was the second to last piece!) After that, I called Vanessa and reported my confusion as to where I was, then found the B30 bus stop (#2 to be specific) and waited about five minutes. I boarded the bus like a pro (thanks public trans in Santa Barbara!) and took a half hour drive to the metro station (Greenbelt for those of you who ever want to visit UMD.) Along the way...it was breathtaking. There were so many trees! Even though they were bare, they were beautiful! Thin and lanky and thick and tall and all different colors; maroon, beige, brown, black. Those with leaves stood proud and when we passed by an open field filled with floating mist, I held my breath. The East Coast is truly something else. It's such a breath of fresh air - literally. The air is crisp and fresh, with forewarning of humidity if stuck indoors.

Public transportation is a breeze. I met Vanessa at Greenbelt and we took a short metro trip - on which we passed a massive lake where two gentlemen were fishing - then boarded another bus to her school (which was PACKED with college kids and whose driver SUCKED - he hit the breaks so fast everyone was thrown around.)

After that ordeal, we finally reached our main destination: the University of Maryland, College Park. It is INCREDIBLY different from West Coast universities. It is quintessential East Coast. Nearly all the buildings are brick with huge white columns and direct print labeling their purpose. It's really great. Vanessa's dorm is brick as well and I feel like I've been thrown back in time to the days of the colonies. She swipes her card and opens the ONE door to her hall. It's a maze inside and I make sure to memorize the way to get to her dorm - her hall is COMPLETELY different than mine was in Santa Barbara. They don't have elevators, and there's different passageways and stairs to get to her room. The building is older than mine was and her dorm is much smaller than mine with only one closet to share and the desks pushed to the wall nearest the door. But like I said, it's cozy. There's a heater under the one window that can be opened by pushing up - like the ones you always see in old movies. Vanessa's desk is covered in papers and important things and a lot of post-its. She even has a piece of yellow notebook paper taped to the top of her desk for self-motivation for those hard times we're all familiar with: "I love you, me!" and "Vaness=AMAZIN'." She's adorable. There's a bunk bed across from the desks. Vanessa has top bunk. Her roommate is either not very sociable or upset about my being here - I haven't figured that out quite yet, but I guess we all have our bad days. She likes Keane and Regina Spektor so she's cool with me irregardless.

And, just in time, Vanessa's back! Update lates.

A little taste of Korean pop culture - bubbly!

To counteract my last entry, I've decided to post a little "jolly" tidbit on Korean pop culture seeing as I'm half Korean and all. I know quite a bit about it (though nowhere close to a LOT of other people.) Still, I keep up with what's popular, who's hot (Gong Yoo is ALWAYS) and, of course, Korean fashion, which is far more superior than American fashion hands down. In fact, when I visit S. Korea in the near future, I'm at a loss for what to bring clothes-wise. Which is why I plan on bringing an extra empty suitcase - not only are their clothes ultra cute but cheap too!

So, anyway, you might have heard the term J-Pop, basically Japanese pop music. And maybe you've heard the term K-Pop, or Korean pop music. I keep up with K-Pop more since I can understand it (for the most part), and tend to like it better, but J-Pop catches my attention once in awhile. Asia is ahead of us in so many things - except music. Remember the 90's when pop music was all the craze? The Backstreet Boys, Britney before she turned skank-mode, N'Sync, etc. Well, that's Korea now. And there seems to be no stopping it. (Not to say that that's the ONLY music out there, in fact there are a few "indie" bands I like a lot.)

There is this HUGE, and I mean HUGE, Korean all-girl pop band called SNSD - I'm not sure how many members are in this band, but there's more than your typical four that's for sure. Yoona, who is a BIG, BIG celebrity in Korea (an actress, singer, and other such things) is its star. They just recently debuted their music video for their song "Run Devil Run" which is very catchy. It's constantly blasting from my laptop - drives my mom a little crazy.



And this was my jam before this song came out, by the same band, without subtitles this time:



Ha, I know I'm a nerd for liking this so much. But then again, I LOVE anime. It's really no surprise I like K and J-Pop.

Other than that new release, there's Japan's all-girl band Scandal who somewhat, kindasortanotreally recently debuted their music video for "Shoujo S." It came out last year. Also, if you like the anime Bleach, this is the 10th Bleach opening song.



I cannot stomach Asian boy bands which is why both of these were all-female bands.

Here is an example why:



Moving on...

What I love most from Korean pop culture is the drama. Korean soap operas that is.

I haven't watched any new ones as of late and I only just finished watching one of the most popular dramas in Korea (and Asia) called "Boys Before Flowers" and I'm working on "The 1st Coffee Shop Prince" right now.

I LOVED "Boys Before Flowers" even though I didn't like the first episode. And I LOVE "The 1st Coffee Shop Prince." Korean dramas are honestly unlike any soap you've seen - they're so much more fun (and innocent) and TRUE and plain out different, better (for the most part.) I mean, who really cares if Jessica is Caleb's real baby's mama? I sure don't.

Take for instance "The 1st Coffee Shop Prince." I watch all my dramas on a website called www.mysoju.com and here's the site's summary of the drama:

"The life of Go Eun Chan (Yoon Eun Hye) is not easy; she works many jobs to pay off debts and even gave up her feminine image. Choi Han Kyul (Gong Yoo) is the heir of a big food company, but his grandmother wants him to settle down, so she arranged many dates for him. After Eun Chan bumped into Han Kyul and was mistaken for a boy, Han Kyul decided to hire Eun Chan to be his gay lover in order to avoid the arranged dates. Desperately in need of money, Eun Chan had no choice but to accept. Han Kyul's grandmother also made Han Kyul in charge of a filthy coffee shop in danger of being bankrupt. Eun Chan begged to work at the coffee shop, and not long after, feelings start to spark, except, how would Han Kyul accept his 'homosexuality'?"

It's honestly great. I love it. And Gong Yoo is seriously the cutest, most attractive Korean man ever.

Anyway, I was watching this drama which sparked this entry. Now to get back to it!

I don't know exactly where to start this entry off...

A lot of things have happened lately. "Bad news first, good news last" seems to always be the format of choice...so bad news first. Today my mother got a call from her sister in Korea. My mom's last uncle died. I never knew him...but it was clear that my mom and him were close. Because she cried.

Seeing either of your parents cry is...hard. Really hard. I found myself crying, cradling her in my arms when she confessed that she hadn't called him in years. It was heartbreaking. The only comfort was that he was a Christian and loved God. He's in a better place now. But you have to mourn. And my mom is. Thankfully, I was able to cheer her up a bit today. We watched a Korean drama, ate ramen, talked, kept busy and, most importantly, laughed. Still, I know I won't be enough to keep her from mourning. Tonight, I won't be able to hold back her tears when she goes to bed. But my mom is strong, and this is something that is necessary. I've never lost anyone close to me in my life. But I know one day I will....

Death is a constant reminder that I am not invincible, that God can choose to take me whenever he wants. It's funny...sometimes I forget that I'm so fragile. That I'm nothing but skin and bones, surviving on the only planet known to man to sustain life, and only by a fraction. It's really a miracle. Anyone who says they don't believe in miracles is blind.

Better yet, I often forget that those close to me are fragile. You know, when you're younger you think your parents are like superheroes. Nothing can hurt them. They actually do seem invincible. They can do everything. As you get older, you start to realize that your parents aren't as perfect as you thought (or are invincible.) Like when you realize that flowers grow by photosynthesis and not by the animals in Bambi who come out at night and sprinkle magic dust on the ground. Things become more "clear" you could say.

It seems that the most common regret with those who lose loved ones is that they should have done something - called, apologized, spent more time with them.

Yes, death is a reminder. Not only of our mortality, but of the mortality of those you love most. Never take time for granted. Never harbor feelings. That's why I hate when people hold grudges. No matter the outcome, do as much as you can so that you can live life without regret. To know that you at least did everything you could do is better than doing nothing (even if the outcome is not what you hoped for) - and people always realize that too late.

So, that happened today.

And a day or so ago...I got fired from my job working for an older Jewish gentleman in the most cowardly way - and I'm not talking about my boss. I didn't even get a chance to quit. At least it's done with. I honestly don't care enough anymore to talk about it. It's not worth it.

And now, with the bad news behind us, the "good news."

Well there's really no good news anymore, but Vanessa was here for her spring break not too long ago which made me a very happy gal. Completely out of the blue, she says she's in Fontana. I just about peed my pants. It was great to talk about "stuff" and watch When Harry Met Sally and sleepover. And go to a gay prom and Hamburger Mary's. We had ourselves a good time, despite the obstacles.

I honestly don't know what I did to deserve the friends I have. I ask God that ALL THE TIME. It worked out much too perfectly. It's like we're puzzle pieces that fit together. We work so well, it's hard to believe. We were meant for each other. It sounds so cheesy but it's so true. Vanessa is AMAZING. I've never met a person more caring than she is. She has the ability to make you happy when you feel like complete shit. She's goofy and too cute, you always feel like pinching her cheeks. And yet, she's so aggressive - in such a good way. She goes after things and does them. She's a doer. I admire her the most. And yet, when she's been hurt, she really gets hurt, it clings to her because she cares. So much. It surprises me at times. But most of all she's genuine. There are moments where I just lose it and start acting silly, busting rhymes or laughing at unfunny things - and she goes along with it! I honestly can't express how GREAT that is. I'm just really thankful I have her in my life and that I'll be seeing her again soon.

As for the other good things...

I've been having fun at work. Yes, fun. Now that I'm not a depressed, anti-social person anymore, I've been making friends (surprise, surprise.) It's actually enjoyable. Along with friends...there are boys. Just boys. Boys. God. I know I won't be in a relationship soon because I'm not good for anybody right now...but these boys. One just doesn't give up. The other...the thing is, I actually like him, though I wouldn't consider him my type...though who am I kidding comparing my last two exes? What type am I talking about? Still, I know he likes me. He practically told me. It's easy to see. And I feel pretty horrible about it....I'm nowhere near ready for that. And I'm so much more wiser than I was before. I need time. And a lot of it.

Then there's Josh. No real updates there except that I can say that we're good friends. We haven't hung out in awhile, but I'm always glad to see him. I never thought exes could be friends...especially with what's happened recently. But the truth is, they can. I'm just thankful for his friendship - the fact that he'd want to hang out with me after everything. It shows me a lot about him...

And then there's Maryland. I'm off to Vanessa's home state Sunday night. But lucky/unlucky me, my best friend Cait is coming home for spring break. Still, I'll be able to see her for awhile Sunday morning before I leave for my flight. I miss her so much. Fontana just isn't the same without her here.

Thanks, Bob.

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect, you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break; her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."
-Bob Marley

Shit, Bobby. You said it.

Unexpected comfort.

"Just hang in there, Grace. Don't despair."
-Papa

Those words, though you didn't know that it was pertaining to much more than I told you, helped me feel at ease, just like when you used to stroke my hair and sing me to sleep.

I love you, daddy.

I wonder.

I want to say that what I'm writing about will probably be of little to no importance to me in the upcoming weeks seeing as I'm on a up/down hill emotionally. But once I get down low again, I won't have to write down why. I'm terribly sorry to have to write another downer of a blog - I always think it's over when it isn't.

I'm sitting in my parents' room listening to "Heaven's on Fire" by The Radio Dept.

I'm sad tonight.

I've been doing pretty well these past few weeks. I've been getting by, being productive. But tonight, like many nights before it, I'm sad.

Tonight, out of nowhere, emotions flooded me. I saw The Vagina Monologues with a close friend, Tina. And it was great. Honestly great. Funny, strange, meaningful, important. I had a good time. But as soon as I got home I was bombarded by loneliness. A feeling I know too well. Tonight I thought of Daniel. For no reason really. I just did. And it made me so sad. Even now I have tears welling in my eyes. A couple days ago I was thinking of the age-old question, "Can men and women be friends?" I was thinking about it long and thoughfully and I came to the conclusion that they could, so long as both of them were single and neither of them liked each other. So, in essence, yes. But in the long run, no. As soon as you get into a relationship with another person your friendship with the opposite sex is gnawed down to a pathetic version of what it used to be. Like it or not, chances are your significant other isn't going to like that you're best friends with a boy (or girl.) It's just not going to fly with them, so much is jealousy. And you'll make a decision. And that decision will be to cut down on your friendship for the sake of your significant other. And after awhile...well...you can fill in the blanks.

It's a sad thing and I know I have people who disagree with me, but I honestly don't think it's possible to be best friends with a boy forever (unless you become more than that.) Naturally, I thought of Daniel while contemplating all this.

It's funny because just a few days later...I don't even know if I want to be friends with him at all. I often have these thoughts however. Of just cutting Daniel out of my life altogether. Why you ask? Well, because he hurt me. Terribly. And, to tell you the absolute truth, I don't really think he cares. Cares that he hurt me or cares if we were to remain friends. He never apologized to my face. I waited for him to, but he never did. This leads me to believe that he either thinks I'm stupid for feeling the way I do or simply doesn't care. I really wonder if he ever knew me at all. If he ever loved me even just a little. I mean, really did. There's a difference between liking someone a lot and loving someone. I sometimes think he never did. I think that if you truly love someone you would never give up on them. And I wasn't the one who gave up. That much I'm sure of. He gave up on me first. He told me that when he told me he stopped doing romantic things because it seemed I didn't appreciated them. It "seemed." That just killed me. There's so many things he told me that hurt me to the point where I was choking out sobs, crying so hard it shook my whole body. I've woken up with my pillow completely soaked. I've cried myself to sleep in front of him. Embarrassed myself beyond compare besides that, acting like a complete fool while he just took from me, only thinking of himself. He was the first person to ever make me truly regret anything. When I told him I still felt for him, wanted to be with him, and he told me that we were not a good match, not a good pair, it was like a hard slap to the face. How could he say that after all that we went through? That we weren't a "good match" like we had never loved each other, shared first experiences with each other, gone through hard times, difficulties, arguments, heartbreak, joy, like I'd only known him for a couple hours and we'd went on a date and it was the end of the night and that it hadn't gone well and that was his response. He'd said it so....

Carelessly. Like a shrug - I even thought I heard pity as he tried to "comfort" me the night I cried myself to sleep in front of him. That just showed me so much. It broke me. This person...that I had so much high esteem for and so much love for...was now...dead.

Before this, after we broke up the first time, and he held my hand the next day I was flooded with a feeling so strong I had tears in my eyes. I thought he cared. Cared enough to give us another try. But I was wrong, like I tend to be. By the end of the month, he had stopped trying. Indeed, never started. He was like a breathing doll. Just stiff. Unloving to the point that it made me weep, so distant, so cold. Which is why I broke up with him again and felt liberated. I thought, "Yes! Now we can be the way we used to be again - just separated!"

How naive of me. We've both changed. We can't go back to how we were.

It makes me sad to know that he never saw that I tried. That after my fatal mistake at that stupid Angel's game where I was being childish and stupid, he would never forgive me for it, never let me make up for it. I wrote a letter after we went to Knott's for Halloween Haunt telling him how sad he'd made me, though I never gave it to him because I thought things would get better. I was literally out of place with all his AMC friends and he pushed me aside like a nuisance. I really tried my best to be what he wanted. I held his hand all the time, even when I got squished out by him when he talked to Aaron and I was literally tripping over my shoes so as not to step on his. I tried to hold him, make him see that I cared, that I was sorry...but it wasn't enough. After that night...it was like...

That game combined with that night...it seemed to be the final straw. Of course, I know that what I did was wrong at the game - especially since my excuses were that I was PMSing and hated the fact that he was texting while he was with me. I should have told him. I know that. I'm not perfect. Nowhere near it in fact. And I'll never be perfect. I'm nineteen. I'm still learning. I'm still, though I hate it, more of a little girl than a grown woman.

I wonder if he knows just how much I loved him, what I would've done for him. How much of me is broken because of him. I wonder if he knows how much damage he's done. What I think of him now. I wonder if he knows how I feel. I wonder if he knows why I gave him back everything he gave me, how much it kills me.

I wonder if he ever thinks about me. I wonder if he has thoughts like this. I wonder if he misses me sometimes. I wonder if he's already moved on, already talking to other girls, flirting, dating, no second glances - this I don't really wonder, I gave him ample reason for moving on quickly. I wonder if he has regrets. I wonder if he's truly happy. I wonder if he understands. I wonder if he cares.

I wonder if he cares.

And now, for one of my favorite artists...

St. Vincent "Actor Out Of Work" from Lake Fever Sessions on Vimeo.

St. Vincent "The Strangers" from Lake Fever Sessions on Vimeo.

St. Vincent "Oh My God" from Lake Fever Sessions on Vimeo.

And to think she doesn't even own an acoustic guitar.

Annie Clark from St. Vincent. My most current obsession.

Though this blog is personal I will be posting some notes for pure enjoyment. I want to share what I like/love with those that read my blog, music being a major part of that. I think that what you like is a pretty good representation of who you are. By sharing these things, I hope I come to be seen more clearly (whether it be good or bad.) Now that I'm more focused on me, I (hopefully) won't be writing anymore blogs about bad relationships, loneliness (doubtful?) and stressful hardships anytime soon. Though I will be focusing more on what I like, music and movies and ADVENTURE and God willing nice photographs of these adventures with a Nikon D3000 (who I already decided will be named Declan because I name everything dear to me.) I wrote a blog a LONG time ago about buying a Canon camera. But, after much debate, I've chosen to buy a Nikon. I'm about more than half way there and I'm REALLY hoping I'll be able to afford it by the time I go to Maryland to visit one of my best friends in the whole wide world, Vanessa. This is something I'd like to talk about simply because I'm thrilled! I've wanted to visit her at UMD for awhile. Well, really since last year. But this year I have the funds and availability to do so. It's going to be a smashing spring break vacation and I can't hardly wait!