Doubt.

Doubt is something everyone experiences. Whether it's doubt in religion, in a person, or yourself. Right now...I'm experiencing self-doubt. I've never doubted myself, or rather, I can't remember ever doubting myself. I'm sure I have, but it wasn't significant. Right now, I'm struggling in the one thing I've never really struggled with. And that's school. I know it's annoying to say I haven't struggled in school. I mean, I have, especially with a few of my classes. But it's nothing like what I'm feeling now.

I spent a great amount of time studying for my math midterm. More than I've ever spent for a math class. And I failed it.

I'm used to doing poorly on math tests. It's just not my strong point. But this one really hit home. I need to pass it. I've failed a math class in college before. The first class I ever failed. And it's happening again. Once that test is passed out, the equations seem mystified, as if I've never seen them before, even though I spent hours doing extreneous examples very similar to the one staring me in the face.

I'm not sure why it is I'm having such a hard time. My other classes are all in order...but math. My always-enemy. I'm going to tutoring in the morning, and I hope it helps but I'm just so exasperated. I'm so tired of math, the subject that makes me feel like a complete idiot. I don't know if I can pass this class, I might have put "too much" on my plate - even though it shouldn't be awful since my other classes are relatively easy ones.

I hate having to tell my friends about it, because I know I look like a whiner. You just got one bad grade? So what? But my friends are all so successful, sometimes I just feel like the bad egg. I know I shouldn't feel embarrassed, but I do. They'd offer nothing but support, but it's hard. I will tell my best friend when she gets back home since it's more than just failing one test, it's college in general. I'm so unmotivated in school it scares me sometimes. I deleted my Facebook because I feel it adds on to my laziness. I go online to print out a take home quiz or check my bank statement and I end up spending an hour on Facebook. It's habit-forming, and that's one thing I strive to stay away from. I don't need it, and I honestly don't think I'll reactivate it. All of my true friends I can get in contact with without the help of Facebook. Call it a purging process.

I hope that whatever may happen considering how things are going in school that I gain confidence in my abilities to get through the tough stuff. I hate feeling defeated and weak.