Oh...

Also, I'm writing an article on marriage, and I think what I wrote about previously is a good example of how society makes us believe that getting married, having a family, etc is something we must do. Of course, I think deep inside everyone wants that connection with others (okay maybe not everyone). Still, it's an issue I'm deeply invested in at the moment, how society shapes our "plans." I love this song by Taylo (guilty pleasure), but I think it's a great way to showcase how everyone wants that fairytale.



Note the children at the end.

(P.S. I also think Taylor Swift is absolutely GORGEOUS!)

Plans.

I'm the kind of person who always needs a plan. If a plan doesn't work out, I just make up another one to take its place. However, one plan has become unfurled and I can't conjure up another plan to take its place - for once. This defeated plan has been taking a toll on me. That plan...

I'm twenty years old. Everyone (namely my girlfriends, even though a large amount of my guyfriends do too) have a significant other (not all but more and more are snagging them) and are involved in "serious relationships" - living together, yadayadayada. That was supposed to be me! Would be me if occurences hadn't decided to (thankfully) occur. I feel that's why I'm so in limbo, because I don't have that security blanket that ensures that one day I too will get married and have a family - "the ultimate plan." I saw my old friend Kaelyn over break and she told Caitie and I that we had to attend her wedding to which we replied "Duh!" even though it was going to be in the far off future. Isn't that what I'm supposed to be saying too? And even though Caitie isn't so adament about her and Loyd I'm 98% positive that they'll end up getting married and having really cute Costa Rican/white babies.

My life is going off its "main track": graduating from high school, going to college, graduating from college, landing a career, having a family....well, I guess I still have two more steps to go before I actually have to start worrying.

Talking with Josh about all this made me feel a smidgen better. He thinks I'm crazy, basically. But he's a boy. I feel this is a girl issue. I mean, I don't really want my plan to work right now. Meaning I don't want a relationship. But I'm upset about it. What the hell?

Alright, I need to go back to studying.

Didn't really feel like writing today; getting really behind on that challenge...

Nov 4, 2005
My thoughts on life
Current mood:disappointed

I always thought life was simple. You live and you die, right? But what about the in-between? I guess you could relate life to an Oreo. There's the actual cookie, or the simplicity of life, and then there's the filling, the complexity of life. I mean, the filling could be a number of things: Emotions, experiences--good and bad--memories, etc. But the thing is, I can't help but be a realist about life. I'm not what you'd call an optomist, but I'm not a pessimist. So I'm a realist. See how it works? I'm an in-between. Life is confusing. How come there's so much to worry about? Guys, school, parents, peer pressure? I hate the b/s drama brings. I like life most of the time and sometimes I even love it. But then there are those times when I just hate it. Not that I'm suicidal, but sometimes I just don't give a crap. I hate when people have to make a big deal out of something stupid. And I hate how people judge other people for whatever reason. Sometimes I just hate people. But not all of them. Still, we're all the same when it comes down to it. We could all do what someone else does, couldn't we? We could all live life to the fullest, or at least try to, and if you think about it that's what we should be doing. We could hurt someone, break hearts, make someone happy, let someone down. We all have the ability to do whatever someone else does. Anyway, I hate the indecision in my life. Life gets me down sometimes. Notice how I keep using "sometimes" there's the indecision. Maybe it's this whole "teenager" phase, but whatever it is I know one thing isn't going to change: Life can be a bitch.

I'm glad I learned my lesson early. Guess I didn't know how to spell optimist? Clearly I'm going to be skipping through the ridiculous entires, such as the one cleverly titled "I HATE braces" for obvious reasons. Goodness, I was a silly one.

Feeling better.

After talking more with my best friend and some others the feeling I was having is officially gone. Now all I am is thankful. But I took a nap earlier today which is why I'm wide awake at the moment and I've been reading over my old blog on Myspace. For fun, I decided I'd repost a few over the next few entries for pure entertainment purposes. Oh, young me, how much you've grown.

Jul 2, 2005
Current mood:blah

Hello
I dunno what this is, but I'm gonna use it as my "journal." People probably won't read this anyway so what the heck, right? Hehe, it's Saturday kids! I love Saturday. It's the best day of the week. New episodes of Inu, Samurai Champloo, and s-CRY-ed are comin on tonight! Yesh! Watch them, I can almost guarantee you'll like em. They're starting at 11:30 on adult swim. Besides that I'm bored. It's almost 4:50 and I've got to do some stuff for summer school...but I don't feel like it. Sigh. Ah well.

lolz.

Today went from worse to worst in a matter of minutes. I don't know...I'm just so upset...and I know I should be thankful...and I am. But I'm so upset. I need to write because I just don't want to talk to anyone, I just need to spill out...this.

My best friend, her family and her boyfriend all got into a huge car crash coming home from San Francisco earlier today. They're all okay. Mr. T has a broken arm, Carley a broken ankle, Mrs. T a broken hand, Loyd's clavicle is broken, and my best friend and her little brother got away with bruises. She called me while I was at work but I couldn't answer - I didn't think it was anything serious, I just thought she was calling to let me know she was home. But I called her back and she told me everything that happened (half-crying) and I was just so shocked. I didn't know what to do, what to say. It was like...What if I had lost them? What if I had lost her...?

I cannot imagine my life without Caitie. Even though she's hundreds of miles away I could never imagine my life without her in it...if she weren't in it...I wouldn't have...anything in a way. She's my everything. I don't know how else to explain it; she's part of me, and if she ever went away I would be...

I really don't know who I would be.

I asked her what happened and apparently a car flew across the median and hit them - they weren't at all expecting it. Caitie kept saying how she hoped the other car was okay, that they were waiting to hear what happened to them...but...and I feel badly about this...all I was thinking was, Who the hell cares about them? How the hell did they come across the median? I was so mad at "them" - they had almost taken away my best friend in the entire world and a family that is honestly like my own. They had almost taken it all - in an instant.

I just feel numb. I'm thankful that they're okay but to have such a scare like that is something that has never happened to me, and I just can't shake this feeling.

Day 4: About your family.

My family is, basically, just my mom and dad. My parents have always been VERY loving - sometimes TOO loving.

My dad is a hard person to explain. He's not a simple person. My dad is sometimes intimidating, sometimes off-putting, sometimes a big bear/comfortable to be around, sometimes weird, sometimes sociable, sometimes...A LOT OF THINGS. He is NOT constant. I'm not sure if it's because of his age (71) that he's all over the place or if he's always been this way, but my dad is so many things there's no one way to describe how he is most of the time. Also, my dad is a "victim" of ADD - he can be a child to the extreme! I have ADD too, but it's mild and compared to him it's NONEXISTENT. My father acts like a five-year-old sometimes. Sometimes I think it's funny and I go along with it, but other times....My dad thinks he's funny, but unfortunately a lot of people don't understand his humor and he's prone to not make sense (to most) - I think this is a curse a lot of dads have though. Also, he's EXTREMELY sensitive. More than anyone I know - but this has grown with age. If you do (or better yet, FORGET to do) something he expects he'll remember it.

My dad's a smarty pants. He knows a lot about a lot of different subjects, but he's very opinionated and narrow-minded, which is a dreadful combination and can prove embarrassing when he forgets his place (which rarely happens thankfully). As the saying goes: You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. So true, especially when it comes to my dad.

My father is a family man. The only thing he loves more than family is God. Honestly, there's nothing he enjoys more than being with my mom and I - or reading. A word to describe my dad would be rowdy. He's a little boy trapped in a man's body - and sometimes, a lot more when he was younger, I'd see that man reappear but mostly it's the boy I see now that I'm older. He loves to do things for people, to make them happy. He writes me notes in the mornings ("Made you lunch, it's in the fridge, Love you Grace" or "Don't forget to feed the 'dawgs' dawg") and will buy my mom and I random little gifts a lot of the time - so much so that it's become normal. He's humble but at the same time he wants to be recognized. He seeks attention, and when he doesn't get enough of it he'll let you know. My dad has a quick temper but VERY little bite. He loves to yell. He'll yell for almost anything; I honestly think he thinks it's fun. He is a loud person most of the time, or when he's happy at least. Sometimes he can be somber (as when he doesn't get enough attention). Honestly my dad can be a little draining (going back to what I said about being a five-year-old). When it comes time to have kids, I have this gut instinct that one of them will be exactly like my dad. I don't know why - I just have a (foreboding) feeling. Ever since my dad was born he's been getting into trouble - aka he's clumsy. Unfortunately for me, I have inherited his clumsiness and I'm surprised that I'm alive to this day to be honest. Granted, it's gotten better with age but back in even high school I would LITERALLY trip almost every other day - once I tripped and fell flat on my face during passing period, to which I just laid there. I don't know how I wasn't shunned. As a seven-year-old I climbed on top of my roof and tried to jump off (I really can't remember if it was because I wanted to see if I could fly or if it was because I couldn't get down) - then again, that's just STUPID. Not really clumsy. I could go on with stories like this from both my dad and I but I think I'll stop for my sake. Oh, once I tried to microwave coffee in a glass cup. Yeah...that didn't end well.

In short, my dad is honestly an awesome person. However, things have changed between us thanks to this year and my dad's drinking problem (which I wrote a whole entry about). My dad is doing so much better though, in fact I haven't seen him drunk in nearly a month and a half now. Like it usually pans out, there's a lot of things I disagree with my parents about/don't like about them, but there's a lot more that I love - and I love them dearly and couldn't ask for more than what they've given me.

My mother is simple. But our relationship is somewhat complicated. This is because of the whole mother-daughter feud that's been going on...since the birth of the first daughter I'm sure. Just like the father-son feud. Some girls are EXACTLY like their moms, or close to what their moms are. Others are COMPLETE opposites. That is what my mom and I are: complete opposites. Ever since birth, I've been the non-ideal daughter (for my mom at least). I was a big time tomboy. I HATED anything girly - I would put up a fight over wearing a dress or earrings or anything I thought demeaning. I had a reputation to uphold and as far as I saw it, my mom wanted to ruin my image with girly frilliness. That was just not me. I fought long and hard but eventually I turned to "the dark side." I started dressing up, wearing make-up, etc - mostly because it was the norm (thanks society) but also because I felt pressured by my mom to be more of a "girl." I mean, do I think it's a bad thing now? Not so much. But I really do wish she would have laid off a bit - no one likes to think there's something wrong with them, and by their own mother much less. My mom is Korean so she's VERY - how shall I put it? - annoying about school. I was put into tutoring from the age of 8 almost to 13 - the cursed KUMON. I hated Kumon, how the Kumon building had no AC and the fans would grate on my ears while I was doing math packets of LONG DIVISION and WORD PROBLEMS - and how it was so quiet with students scribbling miserably away, watching the clock in anticipation of escaping. I hated the ADDITIONAL HOMEWORK Kumon gave out in packets - always packets. I would always try to hide them when I got home - that really displeased my mom. From Kumon came SAT weekends. Just how I loved to spend my weekends. In the same environment, now only focused on SATs and how "life-changing" they really were. Fuck the SATs. I hate how you're judged on how well you do on a fucking test, that it determines where you get in - I don't understand the system; it's faulted. Piano lessons were another thing I learned to hate - mostly because I had a dinosaur as a teacher who owned this ancient scraggly dog who thought it was a cat and scratched non-stop on her stained carpet. It gives me shivers just remembering. In a way I've always thought myself a disappointment to my mom. Unlike my dad, my mom is like a drill sergeant when it comes to education - but the thing is I think it hurt me rather than helped me. I've always been under this extreme pressure to excel by her - and it's stressing, it was more stressing in high school than now though. I know she's disappointed that I transferred from UCSB - that I could have stayed there, or even that I can transfer now to a UC again but refuse to. And that sucks. It sucks even more because I'm her only child. Another reason I wish I had a sibling is so that someone else could share the load. My mom has always wanted me to be a nurse, or doctor. For the longest time, I wanted to be a pharmacist - to please her. But I WOULD HATE IT. And I'm tired of living my life according to my mom. I did that too much in high school. My mom is always on my back about something - anything - and I know saying all this makes her look bad, but I do know that she does all these things because she loves me. Like my dad always tells me: "We wouldn't tell you ANYTHING if we didn't care so much about you."

I get it. But it gets overbearing. That's why I don't like living at home again. It's like high school all over. I can't take it sometimes, and that's why I'm usually never home.

But anyway, my mom is a STRONG and STUBBORN person. I have never met anyone as stubborn as her and it is trying! My mom is stronger than my dad - she grabs the bull by the horns you could say. She honestly doesn't care what you think because what she thinks is right - and you cannot change her opinion no matter how ridiculous it might be. At the same time, my mom is very caring. She's sweet when you meet her - but don't think you know her from first impressions, she can be VERY mean. She's an entrepreneur and honestly one of the most CREATIVE people I know. She's an artist, and I've always been jealous of her abilities. She's very funny and a VERY social person. I fight the most with her - it's only natural. She's truly one of my best friends and I tell her ALMOST everything. I love her and I know no matter how much we bicker that she loves me too.

Day 3: About your friends.

Wow...I don't think there's enough room in my blog to talk about my friends. They're honestly a blessing, much more than I deserve. I have about 5 friends in my life that I can't see myself ever losing - these 5 are my closest friends, but I have a handful more that are very, very dear and important to me. To make sure I don't go overboard in this entry, I'll limit my talk to those 3 I consider my best friends.

1. Caitie
Caitie has been my best friend since 5th grade. Even though it sounds extremely cheesy and "fake" I mean it with all that I am when I say that she is my soulmate. I won't go into so much detail with her since there's going to be a whole blog entry on her in the next few days, but it is true that no matter how much I write or say, nothing could ever explain the love I have for this person. Nothing.

2. Vanessa
We met in 7th grade and from there, there was no turning back. When I think about our friendship, it honestly amazes me. Vanessa went to school with me up until sophomore year when she moved. At that point, even though I had my fears about us growing apart, a part of me knew that we'd stay close. And we did. When she got into the University of Maryland (her dream school), I was happy and distraught at the same time. I was happy for her - that she was going to the school she'd dreamt about - but the distance...I had mixed feelings. Despite it, our friendship has proved strong. There's so much to say about Vanessa. She's such an individual, so unique, and so caring and ambitious and clever and quirky and lovely...like I said, I could go on forever. It's hard not to love this girl, it really is. We've had such amazing memories, ones that I'll remember for the rest of my life. Vanessa gets me, she accepts me. People love her and I understand why. She's an inspiration. Sure, she's a busybody and sometimes I feel worried she takes on too much - but she gets it done and goes beyond expectations - and still manages to balance friends and family. I don't get to see her all the time, but when I do, it's like Christmas and everything falls back into what it was. I'm not sure how else to explain our friendship except that she and I will grow old together as the dearest of friends and that I'll be there for her always, no matter what life may bring.

3. Josh
My BGF. I've known this kid since I was 10. In high school I thought he was from an alien planet. A jock OBSESSED with football. He dated seniors as a freshmen. He was popular. I've known his family since I was a kid, and they were awesome. He had a perfect life to me in a lot of ways. When I found out he liked me at the end of my freshmen-going-into-sophomore-year summer, I was bamboozled. He likes...me? I was a nerd. I still had braces and I JUST started wearing contacts at the beginning of freshmen year. He dated white, big booty hoes who played volleyball! And he likes me? We dated for two and a half years, and I found out a lot about the boy I thought I somewhat knew. He fell in love with me and I thought I fell in love with him. By the time I found out it wasn't so, I was too much of a coward to break up right away and I screwed up the incredible bond we'd shared. I got into another relationship two and a half months after we broke up (fucking asshole, I know) and we didn't talk (obviously) for a little over a year and a half (well, we talked a little). He had gone crazy after we broke up and went wild, and I thought I had lost the boy I knew. Eventually he found another girlfriend (who I thought was fake for the longest time!) who he fell in love with. It was a long-distance relationship though, and of course drama ensued. Around this time, my relationship was failing too and that's when we started hanging out again. I would have hung out with him earlier but I didn't out of respect for my former ex (retarded). We went on a "Fuck Love" campaign, and went crazy for a few months ourselves. We've made a ton of memories healing though, and thank God I had him to heal with because I was a mess. Josh is about the SILLIEST human being alive. Sometimes all I can say is "Woooooow" - literally. But he always manages to make my day 1,000,000,000x better. He's the definition of what a friend is, and more. Basically, I know Josh will be there for me - even if we stopped talking for some reason I know I could count on him to help me with whatever might be happening. I've called him my 24/7 on-call friend and he truly is that. We fight a lot, but NEVER hold grudges. Truth is, we understand each other even when we think we don't.

And that concludes this entry. A note, however, is that my good friend Guido left to Afghanistan just yesterday. And I miss him and will be praying for his safe return everyday. He's very dear to me.

I HATE that he had to leave.

Day 2: The meaning behind your name.

My name, just in case you don't know (insert sarcasm), is Grace. It's pretty self-explanatory. But just to add some flavor, it's Latin in origin and is the 15th most popular girl name today according to babynames.com. In 1990, the year I was born, Rachel was the 15th most popular girl name and mine wasn't even on the list. In that respect, I'll give my parents kudos for originality.

My parents told me that Grace was the only name I ever had (meaning they didn't even consider if I were to be a boy; thank God I wasn't). So, they were set on it from the get-go. Apparently my grandmother (on my dad's side) wanted my name to be Kimberly. But Kimberly Kim (my middle name and my mom's maiden name) wouldn't really work out, and strangely enough I could see myself being a Kim but never a Kim-berly.

Mmm, other than that I don't really go by any nicknames. Only a select (close) few get to call me Gracey - or I'll let you get away with it if I like you.

I took a completely ridiculous name quiz, and I liked what I got so here it is!

"You Are Intelligent and Contemplative

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.
Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily.
You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind.
A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together."

You can take this ridiculous quiz here: http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz/

Day 1: A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

This is a VERY recent picture of me. I was a flapper for Halloween hence the headband and feather in my hair.

My day has been...slow. Just a really lazy day. I didn't get into bed until around six or six thirty this morning since I made a late-night pit stop at my bestie Josh's house coming back from Santa Barbara. I ended up staying there way longer than anticipated, watching Hocus Pocus (awesome: "Sistersss!!!") and talking until the late AMs about life, love, and the pursuit. It was very fun, and a great way to end the weekend. I didn't wake up until around two in the afternoon, which is when I realized I was sick. It's just a sore throat so I have hope that it will pass swiftly. I guess I left my wallet at Josh's house earlier so he dropped it off at my house around three since he had had an interview at Macy's and had the car anyway (he got the job, that lucky kid). We watched about half of Star Wars Episode I since Spike is, for some reason, playing it ALL day today and then he had to leave to pick up his little sister from school. From there I updated my Xbox 360 which took awhile, and found out that I need to renew my Gold subscription...which sucks since that means I have to wait until tomorrow to play Halo: Reach online. I made a grilled cheese sandwich and some tomato soup, watched an episode of That 70's Show and am now writing this EXTREMELY boring blog entry! Hooray. I'm also simultaneously procrastinating. I have to write a paper on Wal-Mart and capitalism, and I REALLY don't want to. But I better get to it, sorry for my lame re-cap, but the challenge required it!

30 Day Blog Challenge!

So, I stole this idea from my friend Paloma who stole it from her friend! Anyways, I thought it'd be a really fun thing to try out, and now that Halloween weekend is officially over (which I spent in Santa Barbara and I'm sick because of it, so that alone tells you how much fun it was), I can begin on this. Here are the topics:

Day 1: A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Day 2: The meaning behind your name.
Day 3: About your friends.
Day 4: About your family.
Day 5: A photo of somewhere you've been to.
Day 6: A song that makes you cry.
Day 7: A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 8: 15 facts about yourself.
Day 9: A photo of you taken over ten years ago.
Day 10: Your best friend.
Day 11: An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 12: 10 things you'd like to do before you die.
Day 13: An old photo.
Day 14: Something you love about yourself.
Day 15: A travel Story.
Day 16: A photo that makes you smile.
Day 17: Your definition of love.
Day 18: A letter to someone you miss.
Day 19: A habit you wish you didn’t have.
Day 20: A letter to your parents.
Day 21: Anything.
Day 22: What would you say is your biggest fear when it comes to relationships?
Day 23: Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 24: A song that makes you smile.
Day 25: Who would you invite to the perfect dinner party?
Day 26: A photo of an animal you'd love to keep as a pet.
Day 27: 20 of your favorite things.
Day 28: What attracts you to someone.
Day 29: Future plans/goals.
Day 30: A photograph of yourself today + three good things that happened in the past 30 days.