Monday, April 19, 2010

Blah Blah Blah.

I don't really know why I'm writing...but it doesn't really matter; there's always something to write about.

I've been preparing for summer - meaning listening to a lot of ska and Sublime and sending in my application for my usual seasonal job as a lifeguard. I say this just about every summer, but this summer is going to be different. This summer I'll be single for the first time in a long time. This summer my best friends will be staying at their respected schools for the majority of the usual 3-month-span vacation. This summer I'll be flying solo basically. Well, kind of. I mean, I have my friends here - that is my all-boy posse. I desperately need to make some girl friends. So I know I'll be busy socially. If I even have time for a social life that is. I plan on 1) going to summer school and getting my last and final math class out of the way and 2) working my ass off as a lifeguard (and trying to get my training done to be a water safety instructor) as well as snag as many hours possible as AMC's weekends-only slave. My ultimate goal is to make $3000 by the end of summer - well, less than that since I'll be spending money on gas, food, and misc. That means I'll need to be averaging about 23ish hours per week, combining my part time job as a lifeguard earning $13/hr and working at AMC for $8/hr - minus taxes. I also have to take into consideration my 4 hour math class. I figure I make myself available on weekends to AMC and pick up shifts when my lifeguard schedule stinks, which it just might since we have oodles of fresh meat this year. That's why I want to try my best to be an instructor. You get weekends off and you're guaranteed 20 hours a week. Still, summer school is going to kill that guarantee since it's a 4 hour class. I figure from 8am-12pm. So that eliminates morning lessons for me, which leaves me with evening lessons and evening swim. Then there's the whole issue with my manager....

I have a lot on my plate. My summer isn't going to be a vacation, but I'm really looking forward to milking it for all it's worth. 3 months to get ahead, 3 months to make money, 3 months dedicated to fulfilling an accomplishment. Oh, and I definitely plan on squeezing in a road trip somewhere.

All I can say is...BRING IT!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The opposite sex.

Naturally, the opposite sex is a big interest of mine. Boys are so easy to figure out but, at the same time, difficult to understand. It's due time I wrote an entry on men, especially with all that's been happening.

As I mentioned earlier on, I make friends with boys easier than with girls. For whatever reason, they're just easier to be friends with. Well, actually, there's a lot of reasons why they're easier to get along with. They (usually) are dramaless and, thankfully, really straightforward. They're more relaxed, and when you hang out with your good guy friends, it's like they rub off some of their I-don't-give-a-fuck attitude onto you. It's kind of like being buzzed, sober. Okay, maybe all this isn't making sense, especially since I'm stereotyping guys, so let me make it more specific: the guys I hang out with, this is how they are. It's a big de-stressor to hang with the guys. They're selfish in their own ways - like girls - but they don't take over the conversation. They make you laugh, they're crude, they honestly don't give a fuck about anything. In a way, it's admirable. I wish I could be like that, or at least pretend that I don't give a fuck about anything (since guys really do care about things, more than girls at times.) But I can't be. One way to know that you're good friends with a guy is when they tell you that they actually do care about something - when they let you in. It's not easy to be let in by a man. You see, there's this thing called pride. And men...they reek of it. That's one downfall of the opposite sex. However, there's always the exception. With some guys, it's like they've been waiting to tell you all their innermost feelings - they just spill it all, ask your opinion.

Men. They're truly complex, despite them saying women are. This is our curse. I can never think like a man, no matter how much of a guy I can be, there's no way I can fully understand their way of thinking, there's no way I can be a man's man. And there's no way a man can understand a woman fully. It's just the way it is, the way we're made.

Men are assholes. Men are sensitive.

Women are bitches. Women are sensitive.

One thing I've never been able to understand about my own sex is how easy we can be. Every guy friend tells me that being easy is the biggest turn-off they can think of. Oh, they might take advantage of it, but there's no way they'd ever actually LIKE a girl that was easy. I don't understand girls, because so many of them are so easy. And then these girls call guys assholes. And they are, this is true. But you can't really blame them either.

Boys will be boys.

Girls will be girls.

I think everyone's pined after someone - if they only liked me, we would honestly be perfect - why don't they like me? I like them so much....

I had one such person. Even to this day, I won't deny that my crush has gone away.

But, to clarify, it's a crush. Nothing big, nothing deadly, nothing that can hurt me.

We hadn't talked in a long, long time, and yet, as soon as we did, there it was. A baby spark that had laid dormant. A part of me recognized the never-gonna-happen-potential, the old longing to be with this person again.

I remember in high school, all those times he'd come over and we'd play video games, watch anime...those times where we were so close, him pressed to me, and all I wanted to do was kiss him....

We talked everyday, hung out everyday, but all I ever was to him was a friend. Just a friend, a really good friend who shared a lot of the same interests, hobbies.

I was friends with him, liked him way before all the other girls started to...but he didn't like me. One of the only times I can remember ever being fully jealous of another girl was because of him. Why HER and not me? She doesn't even like the same things as you! She's stupid, she can't even spell, and look at her hair! And then...why my best friend?

It was hard. Even though I started liking other people, he was always on the top of my list. He was the guy I compared every other guy to. But I was in the friend zone. And once you're's impossible to leave it seems.

Eventually, he fell in love with someone, and I knew it was over...because she was perfect, everything he wanted, everything he LITERALLY had dreams about, the ones he had IMed me about so many times before.

Even though that was so long ago, I remember how I used to feel whenever I was with him, the way his smile would light up my day. Even now, after so much time has passed, it's still the same - but dampened. Now, it's just a...yeah, okay, I'll always be attracted to him, I'll always like him, but I know I can never have him. It doesn't bother me, though it used to, and I'm actually quite happy for him and everything he's been doing, but it's just funny now.

Have you ever been led on?

Both guys and girls are notorious for it. I've never been led on by a guy (well, I have but in a way I care not to explain), even though my always-crush did flirt with me at times, it was always in a joking manner - something I knew he was innocently doing.

I've heard stories of people being led on and it's always the same. Girls (or guys) make themselves easy and get taken advantage of. By using their bodies, or being too nice. Often times, after this happens, they end up being more of an asshole or bitch because of this experience - but they do learn...usually. I've honestly heard WAY too many stories about being led on, it's kind of pathetic. What am I supposed to say? Why are you so stupid? That person's clearly just using you or just wants to be friends, so stop what you're doing. Alas, I have been led on in a way, and I do know that in certain circumstances, being led on is not your fault, that you truly do believe the person you're "with" feels the same, etc. In short, after you've learned your lesson, don't repeat it, because you'll only end up hurt. Way too many girls I know repeat the same mistake, just with other guys.

Can girls and guys just be friends?

A problem with a lot of the guy friends I have is this: they start liking me at some point. It's really frustrating and that might seem bitchy to say, but it is. They start being a little too nice, a little too friendly, and then, they might even pull a move on you. Unlike me, it doesn't seem like the guys I'm friends with pick up on clues very easily. Ever since my always-crush, I know when a guy is interested or not, it's easy. But some people just don't get it, and I don't understand. You can tell them again and again, "I plan on being single for a LONG time" and they'll still try and do something. Finally, you have to have "the talk" and, depending on how close the two of you are, your friendship is saved or smashed into teeny, tiny pieces. I've had my friendships flutter away into nothing but awkwardness, and then I've had friendships that become strengthened and it's nothing but a joke now that they used to like me. Okay, why am I bringing this up?

Because it's been happening lately.

Just the other night, my suspicions were answered about Josh. He told me he had a crush on me. I wasn't surprised, I was just surprised in the way he told me.

Josh has changed. He's matured a lot. Become a "man." He's an asshole. But not to me, and not to those he truly cares about. But he's still the nerd I've always known. The same guy who used to sing me to sleep and read me bedtime stories and make those funny voices I honestly love. He's still the same guy who can make me laugh, no matter what. All he has to do is use his Jasmine voice, and my frown is turned upside down. He's still the person I was best friends with, the person I wanted to be best friends with my whole life. Because he's just awesome like that. The greatest thing about him is that he can make an ass out of himself. There are no words to express how much I value that in a person. I LOVE IT. But, yesterday, we went to see Hot Tub Time Machine (which was good) and then chilled at his house. We stayed up talking until 4:30 in the morning. I don't know what it is with him, but we can talk for HOURS and never get bored. It amazes me. Even in my last relationship, I wasn't able to talk for eight hours straight, let alone so deep into the night. I guess it may be because Josh and I are slight insomniacs as well, but there's something crazy in that fact - something special. I remember when Daniel and I were going out, I would always think about that. I hated that we couldn't talk that long, that when we laid in bed, we would only talk for an hour or two, when all I wanted was to talk all night - not to say that I didn't truly value our conversations because Daniel was someone I could talk to about deep things, things that really meant a lot to me, and I knew he would listen and give me really good feedback.

With Josh, I know it's because he's my best friend, been my best friend since high school that we can talk so long. The only guy best friends I've had are Josh, Daniel, and my always-crush. That's it. And they've all been my best friends for their own reasons, but I've really missed Josh - it's crazy now how I've realized it. There were times where I would just be like "I don't even want to think about Josh." But I always have, ever since we broke up, though I wouldn't dare tell Daniel that. Because even though we broke up, I wanted to be friends with him always. It's ironic because I'm in the same situation as Josh was when we broke up, and Daniel's like how I was with Josh. "It's best we break up, but I still want to be friends."

It took Josh this long to be okay being friends with me, and he says he has a crush. With Daniel, I don't know if being friends will ever happen. And I sure as hell would HATE after so long to develop a crush on him again, which I know Josh does with me.

Anyway...the way Josh told me was surprising. Because he just...did. We were talking about our first thoughts upon seeing each other for the first time in a long time (playing "21 Questions" - the "game" we made up when we first started going out where we have to ask the other a question, and switch off until we reach 21, which we NEVER do), and he said his, after much pestering, was that he'd forgotten how pretty I was. Of course, after that, I was like...oh...but, after he said that, he was just like, well, I actually have something to tell you. And he just said it: "I have a crush on you." And then he went on to explain that it didn't/wouldn't affect us, but that he felt I should know and not to worry about it "because it's just a crush." Writing it doesn't do it justice, but the way he said it...I mean, I could NEVER tell someone I had a crush on them so smoothly. It just made me realize, wow, he really has matured. When will I get to tell someone I have a crush on them so...charmingly? So unaffected by the fact that I would be rejected, that it was okay.

So it's out. And it feels a lot better having it out in the open, instead of festering behind doors. The crazy thing really doesn't affect us, and, in fact, we're going to a Jack Johnson concert in Arizona in October - don't ask why Arizona. But I'm really looking forward to finally getting my best friend back. It's been far too long, really.

Another thing I have to give him is that Josh has always been able to make me feel...really good about myself. No matter what, even after our break-up, he tells me things that question why I deserve to be told something so nice. He thanked me for making him a better person, and that just about made me cry. I knew Josh, was with him, through some of the hardest times in his life. Shit happened to him that no one should have to go through. I don't even know how many times I've seen him cry his heart out over such painful things. And, to be honest, if we weren't together through those times...I'm not sure what path he might have gone down. With Josh, I always felt like God put me in his life to make sure he didn't get into trouble, to get him through high school, encourage him to do his best, make sure he would just be okay. As corny as this sounds...I was like his cheerleader...and back then, it would honestly weigh down on me. At times, it felt really burdensome, and I just wanted a boyfriend with no big issues, that I didn't always have to cheer up and cheer on - that's how much of a bitch I got to be towards the end of our relationship. And that's when it had to end. I wouldn't hurt him by staying by his side when he needed to stand alone. And looking at him now, I know I made the right choice.

The opposite sex...

...the topic could go on for ages.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Maryland: Days 2-7

Since I'm writing this days after I've come back, things have become a bit jumbled up regarding what happened on what day, but I shall try my utmost best.

The first thing I have to get out of the way is my misconception of Vanessa's roommate. She is neither non-sociable nor was she displeased that I was there, but both those things and then some. I dislike her entirely. Fan of Regina Spektor or not, I'm glad I won't be seeing her again.

Other than that, my trip was amazing! I got to explore the East Coast and get accustomed to their way of living - which, don't be surprised now, is very much like ours. I did pick up some East Coast lingo however. For instance, "siced" is a word they use to say they're very excited about something. "I'm siced about the Jack Johnson concert!" could be one example. I'm assuming this is directly East Coast lingo because I've never come across it here - ever. There's other ways to use it too, but they escape me. Still, I've already incorporated it into my everyday speech.

The second day I was there I met Vanessa's friends, who are all very, very cool and nice. I went to a CKI meeting the first night I was there (CKI is like the college-version of Key Club, before you join Kiwanis) and met her fellow members who were also cool. So, the second day Vanessa, Ashley, Felicia, and I went to dinner at...a place I can't even remember the name of because it was so horrible. All I know is that it was UMD's campus restaurant, and that I'm strongly recommending you not go there. It's expensive, and the service is lacking - although there was this waiter that looked a cross between Pau and Sasha, and he was nice. It was a really good time though, I was honestly cracking up the whole dinner. Oh, before I go any further, one place I will recommend for food is Noodles, Inc. It's a great franchise that sells...well, noodles. But of every variety. Italian, Asian, American (as in Mac 'n Cheese.) It's very good and not very expensive.

Also, I got to meet (more like glance at) Vanessa's crush that day. She's so cute about her crushes; she freaks out. But I guess I would do the same. I can't really say much about him since I BARELY saw him, but he's British. Need I say more?

Now the days start mushing together, so I'm going to guess from here on out. The next thing I remember doing (and this probably happened on the second day now that I think about it) was going to a cool indie movie house called AFI in Silver Spring, MD. Vanessa and I took the metro...where I cheated and didn't put my farecard through at the terminal (more on this later) to go see The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo which was really, really good. But really, REALLY intense. It was funny - in odd, subtle ways, even though the lead actor was pretty funny period. But it is NOT a comedy. It's a thriller AND it's a foreign film (Swedish.) If you're a movie buff, you have to love foreign films because they're just better than American films in general (okay, my opinion), but you also have to know that foreign films don't edit a damn thing. So, prepare yourself if you're going to see this movie. Still, it's a really great movie. AND it's a book, a trilogy. I'm definitely reading it.

After the movie, we went back to the metro terminal and I reattempted to cheat my way through by not using my farecard and hurrying after Vanessa so I wouldn't get closed out. I thought I was home free, but then...while getting on the escalator...a voice stopped me. That of the popo! I was freaking out, I knew he'd seen me, why else would he stop me mid-escalator?! Well, he did see me, and he threatened me with a $50 ticket where, once I heard that, I pleaded with him and told him I was just a silly Californian who didn't know how the system worked, etc. So he let me go long story short, but that was stupid. NEVER DO THAT. Granted, I'm stupid so I don't think anyone would, but still. DON'T.

Vanessa's the President of CKI so she's a busybody and she had to be gone the entire day once. I'm pretty sure this was the third or fourth day. Anyway, I got to explore College Park by myself. I walked around (by now it was getting hot, in the 80s), ate (I am now convinced that no matter what college you go to, the food is disgusting - except UCLA) and decided I wanted to go back to Silver Spring, which I did (this time using my farecard thank you very much.) I walked around, took some photos, then went back to AFI to watch Greenberg, starring Ben Stiller. It was...okay. It had its moments, but it was a Noah Baumbach film...I hated The Squid and the Whale. Greenberg was definitely better, but not a movie I'd recommend necessarily. When I got back it was almost eleven at night (public trans can be annoying), which meant it was time for bed. Although Vanessa and I shared her top bunk, it was strangely comfortable and not as frightening as I thought.

The next thing I remember doing is going to Chinatown in Washington, D.C. which was really fun. We just walked around, took a HILARIOUS picture of a guy smoking a pipe who looked like some kind of spy, and went to museums, or a portrait museum to be exact. It was really cool - literally, the air conditioning was a savior. The museum itself was really interesting. I love museums. I could stay in one all day long. I took some illegal photos in there apparently - oops.

After that day, Vanessa took me to a CKI event - Total K Day! Which was in Virginia. Maryland, Washington, Virginia. I killed three birds with one stone (this saying makes me really sad, but it applies nonetheless.) So, some of CKI's cohorts, me, and Vanessa went on a three hour car ride to Total K Day. I've never heard so much Lady Gaga in my life. Cal, the former president, is outrageously gay and so...I heard about thirteen remixes of "Telephone" but it was fun. The actual event was great. I got to meet Vanessa's stalker and make cards for sick kids in the hospital and DANCE. Fun, fun, fun. The ride back made it an adventure though. So, we're about an hour away from UMD and we see police lights flashing. Now I've never been pulled over in my life. EVER. To make things worse, we were illegally crammed into the van. Two people were sitting in one seat. It was nerve-wracking, even for me. Cal was freaking, but stayed pretty calm. When he pulled out his registration papers, there were a few dollars jammed into them, which we later joked was to suggest to the cop we'd pay him off - not. It felt like the cop was taking forever to check Cal's history and we were thinking of ways to have him let us go (show him our matching CKI service event shirts to provoke sympathy?) Amazingly, even though the cop KNEW we were illegally crammed in the van, he just let Cal off with a warning to fix his taillight. Damn taillight. It was fun though. Before that, on the way back, we also sang Vanessa happy birthday in the car. Way to start off being twenty, don't you think?

On Vanessa's actual birthday we spent it with her cousins and aunt, which was cool. One of her cousins is crazy, but in a really good way. Now I know why Vanessa is so weird! There was a point where everybody started singing songs from Fiddler On the Roof. It was one of those rare moments where I truly felt I belonged right here, right now, in this moment.

And with that, I was off to BWI airport at FIVE IN THE MORNING. Ugh. And now I'm back in California, which I actually missed quite a bit. I love the East Coast, but there's just nothing like California. Truly. I miss Vanessa, she needs to come home. However, I'm glad I finally got to visit her. I feel very accomplished.