Sunday, December 13, 2009

Here's a lil somethin'

Last night/this morning I hung out with an ex-boyfriend. Not Daniel. But (dun, dun, dun) Josh. Yes sir. Even before Daniel and I's break-up I had been planning on getting back in touch and tonight we finally did. We went to lil Rigo's house for movie night and watched Silent Hill (disturbing but entertaining), Spaceballs, and part of The Fall. I'm not too sure if I liked The Fall very much...I mean, it's aesthetically pleasing...but eh. I didn't get into it much and I was getting sleepy. Anyway, hanging out with Josh was a bit weird, but not at all in a bad way. In fact, I had myself a good old time. I even sipped on some Pacifico. To throw it out there, I've always loved hanging out with Josh and his family. They're just great, honestly. And funny as hell. I just feel a sense of "belonging" that I really love. Kind of like the Townes, except the Townes ARE family. Also, besides family, Josh hangs out with people that are so different from what I'm used to. It's refreshing, a breath of fresh (although slightly weed-y) air. They're all way older than we are and I kinda like it that way. Oh, and I got to use my favorite toilet in the whole wide world again! I love little Rigo's toilet! To flush it you have to pull on a string with a kind of knob at the end. It's so fun I swear. I'm getting that same toilet somehow some way. To add, Dory, Rigo's dog, got chubby. But she's still a cutie. Anyway, good night! Literally and figuratively.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Raindrops are falling on my head.

As you already know from my last entry, Daniel and I are no longer one. And even though I know it's best that we aren't together, is it wrong to say that I miss him so much still?

I don't think so.

But I really wish I didn't. It just makes things that much harder. I know I'm not missing friend-Daniel. If I didn't see him for a few days I would be relatively unfazed. Seeing friend-Daniel is seeing the shell of the person I used to be in love with, the person who used to be in love with me. He has his hair, his eyes, his nose, his smile and laugh, his personality, even his heart. But he's not the Daniel I love. I know that I'm missing the person who used to be in love with me. And even though that Daniel is long gone...I still miss him. A person who, essentially, no longer exists. I've been missing him for months....

When will it stop? I honestly at times can't take it...everything we were, gone. In what seemed like a blink of an all vanished....

I hate that I remember everything. I wish I would forget it all sometimes. To just forget that I ever loved someone so entirely, that I ever gave my all....

I want to start over. I'm not ready to. But God damn it, I want to. I want to start over and get it right next time. No more of this...I'm so tired of being in a relationship that lasts so long only for it to dissolve into nothing but friendship. I'm tired of this bullshit! I can't stand it. Now more than ever do I know what I want in a relationship: A relationship that lasts. And not just for a few years. A relationship that lasts a lifetime. To be clear, I'm not going to go out searching for this person, or rather, a commitment or love. And to be honest, I don't think I'll be able to go out with anyone for a long time. This relationship was such a a heartbreak. I'm tired of breaking hearts and having mine broken. It hurts so much....

I'm hurting. Not because I broke up with Daniel, because I'm actually happy we did, happy we can start to move on and stop the hurting, finally. I've been hurting for so long, for months. I so wanted our relationship to work...and for whatever reason it failed. And the most frustrating and heartrending part of all is that I don't know exactly why it failed. All I know is that it's because of me. All I can say is that I don't believe there's a reason for everything. But for us not working...there has to be. And the reason is out there....

But for now I mourn a loss...a loss so deep I am compelled to an emotion I can't even name.

Say these words slowly out loud:








And it's my fault.

And that's why I cry.

I cry so much.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I did it again, without the "Oops"

I FINALLY did it. AGAIN. And if you think I'm referring to breaking up with Daniel...that would be correct! I know, I know. What's going on with me? I seem so...happy? Well, that's because I am. Yes, I am happy. And, no, I am not in denial. Thank God. That was when I WAS in the relationship. No event occurred for this incident, nothing at all was out of the ordinary. It was just time to finally end it. We had given it a second try and it had failed. Today was the day to cut it off for good. When we got back together doubts immediately plagued my mind, and though I tried to shoo them away, I knew that we would eventually be back to this exact spot. We needed to break up in order for US to be happy. I know it may not make sense to some, but for those in our situation, it makes perfect sense. We had lost that "loving feeling" and it had been gone for some time. My worst fear came true! Back in the "golden days" I had had so many plans for our future. There were times he would even ask if I would fancy being his wife. And I had indeed fancied being such a thing, escaping to La La Land and envisioning us forever happy. Looking back I have to laugh. Husband and wife? Yeah, right! We're nothing but the closest of friends now. My "old feelings" from when we used to be in love held me back from seeing the truth. We had changed. Our feelings had changed. We weren't lovers. We were friends. When we first broke up I was in tears; it was so sad to me the state we were in and how much had changed from the beginning. And, yes, it is sad. But this time around I didn't shed a tear. I knew that this was best for us both. I was absolutely relieved after I confessed my feelings. It felt like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. There's so much more to come for both of us and the beautiful thing is, we can still enjoy it together. We ended on such a good note I don't see us drifting apart from one another anytime soon. He's my best friend. And he'll remain my best friend.

May 28, 2008-December 10, 2009.

"I had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you."

Truly. Thank-you.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Today was a good day.

Ah, yes, Ice Cube, today was a good day indeed.

I spent the entire (and I mean ENTIRE) day with my parents. We did a whole bunch of random things including going to Barnes & Noble where I bought something I am very excited about (which I will reveal in a later blog). My parents and I also watched the movie Julie & Julia. What a GREAT movie it turned out to be. I was expecting a big flop to be honest. But Meryl Streep was just lovely (and brilliant) as Julia Child and Amy Adams wasn't annoying at all. I give movies a grade A for a number of reasons, and a big one is for inspiring the audience (or me). And this movie, as you can guess, did just that. Everything about it was so great from the acting to the story. I could relate to it so much. And I can't cook worth a penny! My dad has a Julia Child cookbook and I'm going to start cooking from it tomorrow. My dad and I are going to make mussels, and then I'm going to venture further on my own.

Lately I've become determined to be more productive with my time. Which is awesome and something I haven't felt motivated to do for some time. With my bouts of loneliness, it's hard to focus your energy on anything other than sadness. Sometimes it takes a good kick in the head to unravel you and get you back on track.

And sometimes it takes a great movie.