Sunday, February 27, 2011

Jack Johnson makes me such a happy camper.

I swear, if the world were coming to an end with all hell breaking loose but Jack Johnson was singing peacefully away into my Skullcandy reggae-inspired earbuds I wouldn't mind it...well, at least not as much.

Lately I've been feeling really mopey. I don't know why. I mean, it's really a myriad of things. The typical I miss my friends-school stress-where the hell is my life headed?! junk, but this mood has been sticking to me like stripes on a damn Zebra. I really hope it goes away.

Today was the first time I've been to church in about 2 months. I feel horrible about that fact. And my life really starts spinning out of control when I stop going. It's not because I haven't wanted to - I really have wanted to - but I've been getting scheduled to work most Sundays and, after much fooling around on Saturdays, I fall wayward and sleep in when I should go to church.

...So maybe my desires need to sort themselves out...

When God is first in my life, even if my life is falling to pieces, I feel like I can conquer anything - and I do with His help, even if it takes a long time.

Today's sermon really made me think about things. Where my priorities should fall. How I need to control myself more.

I'm ashamed to say that I haven't been putting God first in my life lately. I've been putting myself first, getting into the foolish mentality that a person pulls themselves up by their own bootstraps.

How stupid. Human beings, despite their accomplishments, are weaklings. We need help, and it's probably the stupidest thing to admit that you don't, or, NEVER need help. I like to think of a person who doesn't know how to swim being pushed in a pool who has such a philosophy on life. What's the first thing they're going to scream to the lifeguard on duty? "HELP ME!"

It's the same in life.

Right now, I need help getting my priorities straight. And I'll yell and scream "Help me!" to God with no shame whatsoever. He always saves the day.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Overthinking things is my problem.

There are a number of obstacles I will need to tackle in the oncoming weeks.

They will be difficult, but only if I make them difficult. I can never just relax about a situation. I always let my nerves take over and turn it into something more destructive than it really is.

I think that's the thing I most dislike about myself. The fact that I over think things way too much sometimes. It's like I can't ever fully relax. I'm usually on edge over something - and maybe that's just life handing me the lemons it will always be handing me. But it's like I make these teeny issues into "situations" like my brain computes them as "DANGER: YOU WILL BE FACING A HUGE-ASS ISSUE, PREPARE FOR SELF-DESTRUCTION" when it actually shouldn't require any brainpower at all. Just go in, do what you need to do, and finish the job. I just can't switch that off - that turning-little-things-into-big-things issue.

But I'm going to try and work at it. My first obstacle takes place sometime next week.

Let's see how I fare.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Food for thought and moving out.

Can you ever truly be happy AND NOT hurt a person's feelings?

I don't think it's possible.

What a sucky oxymoron.

While that's been on my mind lately, one facet of desire has turned from a leak into a flood.


My parents and I have finally come to that "stage." Our tolerance for one another is waning. It's like a foul odor hanging in the air. Moving out is the Febreeze.

It's not that I don't love my parents or they don't love me. It's just that neither one of us wants to live with each other anymore.

Isn't it weird that after 20 years (minus the 1 I spent in Santa Barbara) of living together that we just CAN'T anymore? It's like getting a divorce, except not damaging to our relationship, oh yeah, and they're my parents. In fact, it will greatly HELP our relationship.

The only reason I've lived at home up to this point is because I don't want to "waste" money on an apartment I'd have to get in the IE because of my school. But is it really wasting money to not get into fights every month over trivial matters? Is it really wasting money to live in an apartment that's organized, clean, and Ikea-decked-out? Is it REALLY wasting money to be a happier, better, calmer me?

No, my friends. It is not a waste of money.

My sanity needs it. My parents' sanity needs it. WE NEED IT.

So, I've started to make plans. Subject to change as always, but plans nonetheless. By next school year I want to be living on my own (with roommates of course) either by my campus or on campus, depending on the roomie situation. Another possible option is that if Josh gets an apartment (if he gets that job at FedEx) I'd be able to live with him which, considering everything, I'd REALLY have to think about. But even if I don't move in with him, I'd always be at his place anyway. So long as I have an "escape" from home where I could stay for a week, or two, or three, I'm happy.

I guess the only other thing I have an update on is getting back in shape. I joined the gym earlier this month because I have gained SO much weight in only a year (thank you fast food and late night eating expeditions!) and it's simply ridiculous. I just don't feel healthy. And I'm not. I've been going diligently at least five times a week. I've built up my endurance to run over 3 miles a day and I burn 500+ calories every workout, which I'm super proud of because I HATE to run. Before I realized how bad it was getting I had no motivation to excercise at all. But I really had a HUGE wake-up call. I've lost 2 pounds in two weeks. That's a pretty epic deal considering what I can do before summer's here. I want to lose about 20 pounds. If I can lose 10 by summer I will be ecstatic! This year has been all about fulfilling goals and so far I've managed to do a number of them. I know I'll accomplish this one.

Excercising's awesome, but the thing I struggle most with is my eating habits. Soda is my drug. I need an intervention, but it's all around me, everywhere I go. The guy sitting next to me in this computer lab is sipping on a Sprite. It's honestly scary. I'd really like to do some research on hardcore soda-drinkers to see if they could stop drinking soda for an entire year. I did it once for 6 months for swimming. I know I can do it...I just need to be stronger.

Also, going to a Sum 41 concert in March! Random but I'm looking forward to it!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Organic Raspberry Sweet Leaf Iced Tea...

is delicious.

Whilst browsing the many, many, many drink machines inhabiting the SU (student union) at my college, CSUSB, I new favorite beverage.

I've been trying (kinda) really hard to limit my soda intake. I am addicted to Coca Cola and just about anything sweet and fizzy. It's so bad that I can't eat (or really would prefer not even to eat a meal at all) if I don't have a Coke to drink with my meal. So, I've tried to branch out. I've always liked tea, so I figured I'd try a very appealing/slightly creepy (there's a cartoon old lady smiling at you behind specaled glasses on the front) 15.5 oz can of organic, orgasmic raspberry iced tea. Not only is it USDA approved, the entire can is only 140 calories. That's how many calories are in a 12 oz can of Coke. ORSWLICT (longest abbreviation ever) has 36 grams of sugar per 15.5 oz can. Coke has 39 grams per 12 oz can.

Now I just need to find out where they sell this stuff in bulk. Costco?

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Can't sleep...AGAIN.

I'm in such an odd mood. At this VERY moment I really wish I had a boyfriend. I know this feeling will disappear by the time I wake up...but...right now, just for an hour or two, I wish I was in love. I miss feeling stupidly happy - drunk - over someone. I miss having someone who feels the same about me. As conceited as it sounds, I could easily have someone be in love with me if I wanted (but couldn't anybody really?) - I just wish I could feel the same.

I made my best friend Caitie a Valentine's Day card today. This will be my second year not having a Valentine, and it REALLY doesn't bother me since I think Valentine's Day is a corporate-controlled holiday as I explained last year...but alas, it is celebrated by couples. And, right now, I wish I had another half.

99.9% of the time I don't want a boyfriend - because I'm afraid to fall in love. But I'm beginning to realize - why the hell not fall in love? I might fall in love a dozen times before I find "The One" for me. It's just going to help me in the long run. I don't know but this feeling might be one step in the right direction.

Still. I realize that falling in love - while easy - is only possible with the right person. Finding that person will always be the hard part. As this feeling is beginning to wane, maybe later I'll start opening my eyes to the possibility that - eventually - I'll want a relationship. Because waiting until I'm thirty doesn't seem possible at the moment. To add, being in a relationship doesn't mean I'll fall in love with whoever I happen to be with (at all). I've only had two. It may be time to try expanding that list and experiencing new personas. Then again, the fear of hurting others is a different story.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Before lab.

I realize I haven't been writing as much as I vowed to do at the beginning of the year. Not sure if it's because my life has been busy - mostly false - or just boring as of late. School is trudging by - there's not much to say on that front except I need to fill out my FAFSA ASAP, as in yesterday. Coming up events: A Day to Remember April 5th! Super excited about that one. Comic Con July 23rd. Also super excited (despite it being a complete pain to purchase). One comment on the latter. Turns out my ex will also be in attendance that particular day at Comic Con, which was very unexpected considering...he doesn't even read comic books. Still, I guess it's acceptable-ish to go despite that (even though I wouldn't have - as mentioned - expected it). I'm going with my friends Carlos and Cindy since Caitie and Loyd weren't able to snag tickets. Meaning I will probably come in contact with him, which is something I've been trying my best not to do. Ever. Again.

Still, that's months away and it's not something I'm even remotely worried about. More like an interesting albeit annoying factoid.

I've just been trying to have as much fun possible this year...but bad things have transpired (though now fixed) and not just to me but to people I'm close with. I'm not sure if Warped Tour will happen this year or not...I wouldn't really want to go without Josh, and if things don't start looking up for him, it probably won't happen. Another note of interest, Packers won the Super Bowl Sunday - managed to get home early enough to watch most of the game from work! Yesterday, Josh and I took off to the beach to drown away life's frustrations and explore uncharted territory (for us) AKA Laguna Hills. (FYI, Laguna is far superior to Laguna Hills, I have no desire whatsoever to return in my life.) The beach was amazing - it's not our favorite place to be for nothing. I can't express how badly I wish I could live by the ocean (again)....

Makes me almost want to change my profession to something that will earn a higher salary....Almost.


The click of a mouse
The tapping of keys
I see with eyes that transcend
The years, the years
Uncertain are my thoughts upon the etchings of my brain
Like nomads mapping trails, it's art, it is art
These thoughts that tease and twist inside my head
Feel fit to burst, feel fit to leave
An imprint

Fate unchosen or chosen by me, by who
Fuck fate, fuck love
I take it back
The intricate paths criss-cross
Too many me's, two I's for just one body
Is a soul an entity
Or is a soul plural?
Possesive, rampant I can't control
This me inside
These thoughts so pure can be so tainted
"I didn't mean it"
(But why did I think it)