Sunday, December 13, 2009

Here's a lil somethin'

Last night/this morning I hung out with an ex-boyfriend. Not Daniel. But (dun, dun, dun) Josh. Yes sir. Even before Daniel and I's break-up I had been planning on getting back in touch and tonight we finally did. We went to lil Rigo's house for movie night and watched Silent Hill (disturbing but entertaining), Spaceballs, and part of The Fall. I'm not too sure if I liked The Fall very much...I mean, it's aesthetically pleasing...but eh. I didn't get into it much and I was getting sleepy. Anyway, hanging out with Josh was a bit weird, but not at all in a bad way. In fact, I had myself a good old time. I even sipped on some Pacifico. To throw it out there, I've always loved hanging out with Josh and his family. They're just great, honestly. And funny as hell. I just feel a sense of "belonging" that I really love. Kind of like the Townes, except the Townes ARE family. Also, besides family, Josh hangs out with people that are so different from what I'm used to. It's refreshing, a breath of fresh (although slightly weed-y) air. They're all way older than we are and I kinda like it that way. Oh, and I got to use my favorite toilet in the whole wide world again! I love little Rigo's toilet! To flush it you have to pull on a string with a kind of knob at the end. It's so fun I swear. I'm getting that same toilet somehow some way. To add, Dory, Rigo's dog, got chubby. But she's still a cutie. Anyway, good night! Literally and figuratively.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Raindrops are falling on my head.

As you already know from my last entry, Daniel and I are no longer one. And even though I know it's best that we aren't together, is it wrong to say that I miss him so much still?

I don't think so.

But I really wish I didn't. It just makes things that much harder. I know I'm not missing friend-Daniel. If I didn't see him for a few days I would be relatively unfazed. Seeing friend-Daniel is seeing the shell of the person I used to be in love with, the person who used to be in love with me. He has his hair, his eyes, his nose, his smile and laugh, his personality, even his heart. But he's not the Daniel I love. I know that I'm missing the person who used to be in love with me. And even though that Daniel is long gone...I still miss him. A person who, essentially, no longer exists. I've been missing him for months....

When will it stop? I honestly at times can't take it...everything we were, gone. In what seemed like a blink of an all vanished....

I hate that I remember everything. I wish I would forget it all sometimes. To just forget that I ever loved someone so entirely, that I ever gave my all....

I want to start over. I'm not ready to. But God damn it, I want to. I want to start over and get it right next time. No more of this...I'm so tired of being in a relationship that lasts so long only for it to dissolve into nothing but friendship. I'm tired of this bullshit! I can't stand it. Now more than ever do I know what I want in a relationship: A relationship that lasts. And not just for a few years. A relationship that lasts a lifetime. To be clear, I'm not going to go out searching for this person, or rather, a commitment or love. And to be honest, I don't think I'll be able to go out with anyone for a long time. This relationship was such a a heartbreak. I'm tired of breaking hearts and having mine broken. It hurts so much....

I'm hurting. Not because I broke up with Daniel, because I'm actually happy we did, happy we can start to move on and stop the hurting, finally. I've been hurting for so long, for months. I so wanted our relationship to work...and for whatever reason it failed. And the most frustrating and heartrending part of all is that I don't know exactly why it failed. All I know is that it's because of me. All I can say is that I don't believe there's a reason for everything. But for us not working...there has to be. And the reason is out there....

But for now I mourn a loss...a loss so deep I am compelled to an emotion I can't even name.

Say these words slowly out loud:








And it's my fault.

And that's why I cry.

I cry so much.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I did it again, without the "Oops"

I FINALLY did it. AGAIN. And if you think I'm referring to breaking up with Daniel...that would be correct! I know, I know. What's going on with me? I seem so...happy? Well, that's because I am. Yes, I am happy. And, no, I am not in denial. Thank God. That was when I WAS in the relationship. No event occurred for this incident, nothing at all was out of the ordinary. It was just time to finally end it. We had given it a second try and it had failed. Today was the day to cut it off for good. When we got back together doubts immediately plagued my mind, and though I tried to shoo them away, I knew that we would eventually be back to this exact spot. We needed to break up in order for US to be happy. I know it may not make sense to some, but for those in our situation, it makes perfect sense. We had lost that "loving feeling" and it had been gone for some time. My worst fear came true! Back in the "golden days" I had had so many plans for our future. There were times he would even ask if I would fancy being his wife. And I had indeed fancied being such a thing, escaping to La La Land and envisioning us forever happy. Looking back I have to laugh. Husband and wife? Yeah, right! We're nothing but the closest of friends now. My "old feelings" from when we used to be in love held me back from seeing the truth. We had changed. Our feelings had changed. We weren't lovers. We were friends. When we first broke up I was in tears; it was so sad to me the state we were in and how much had changed from the beginning. And, yes, it is sad. But this time around I didn't shed a tear. I knew that this was best for us both. I was absolutely relieved after I confessed my feelings. It felt like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. There's so much more to come for both of us and the beautiful thing is, we can still enjoy it together. We ended on such a good note I don't see us drifting apart from one another anytime soon. He's my best friend. And he'll remain my best friend.

May 28, 2008-December 10, 2009.

"I had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you."

Truly. Thank-you.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Today was a good day.

Ah, yes, Ice Cube, today was a good day indeed.

I spent the entire (and I mean ENTIRE) day with my parents. We did a whole bunch of random things including going to Barnes & Noble where I bought something I am very excited about (which I will reveal in a later blog). My parents and I also watched the movie Julie & Julia. What a GREAT movie it turned out to be. I was expecting a big flop to be honest. But Meryl Streep was just lovely (and brilliant) as Julia Child and Amy Adams wasn't annoying at all. I give movies a grade A for a number of reasons, and a big one is for inspiring the audience (or me). And this movie, as you can guess, did just that. Everything about it was so great from the acting to the story. I could relate to it so much. And I can't cook worth a penny! My dad has a Julia Child cookbook and I'm going to start cooking from it tomorrow. My dad and I are going to make mussels, and then I'm going to venture further on my own.

Lately I've become determined to be more productive with my time. Which is awesome and something I haven't felt motivated to do for some time. With my bouts of loneliness, it's hard to focus your energy on anything other than sadness. Sometimes it takes a good kick in the head to unravel you and get you back on track.

And sometimes it takes a great movie.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Turkey Day, folks!

Well, too much has happened since I last updated my blog. Among the greatest: I got accepted into CSUSB, I got a job at AMC theaters, and I'm joining the Air Force ROTC at my school. Among the lowest: I broke up with Daniel (temporarily) and though I have Daniel I'm lonely.


Loneliness. It makes you sad. Not to say that I'm depressed or anything, but at times I do get sad. Today is Thanksgiving and I had a good time with my parents. We ordered food from Claim Jumper (they have this Thanksgiving special), watched football and a movie and pigged out. It was a pleasant day. But now that it's over (for at least our family) I got to thinking about what I had planned for the upcoming week.

Work. Check. School. Check.





It's tough having nothing planned with friends, even my own boyfriend I have to schedule to see because of work and such.

Nowadays its become increasingly hard to plan anything with anyone. And I really hate to have to plan to see my friends and my boyfriend.

But such is life. You have to accept it.

And I hate that too.

I miss my social life. Even the social life I had last year. Friends make such a huge difference. I feel like I should move into the dorms at school just so I could have that experience all over again. I miss having a roomie. I miss seeing my floormates every morning. I miss never having to be alone.

I know I've been saying I hate things a lot...but I hate being alone now. Before I kind of enjoyed it. But now I really despise it.

Anyway...I'm at a loss when it comes to loneliness. It's just going to sit in the pit of my stomach until...well...until it goes away I guess. We'll see if anything decides to change.

Other than that, which I think is one of the biggest feelings I have right now, I've been thinking a lot lately (thanks loneliness). About a number of things; my relationship, my future, friends, my future career, etc.

With my relationship...ever since Daniel and I broke just seems that our break up is this big, gray, over looming cloud. Even though nothing's wrong right now (say I'm bright as the sun) this huge cloud decides to show up and say something like, "Hey, remember this!" and cast doubts on my relationship. Okay, I know that's a horribly put analogy, but I mean the memory of our break up haunts me. It's dramatic but unfortunately I feel it's true. I said something that I was absolutely sure of at the time of our break up. "I don't feel the same way about you anymore" meaning "I don't love you anymore." Yes, it got that bad. And I asked if he felt the same and he agreed. I guess my mind is afraid that all of that could happen again, that even though we patched up our relationship and it's fine now, that deep inside we might harbor those same feelings. All I know for sure is that things are different. Ever since about a month before we broke up, things have been very different. Horribly different at first, but now...I'm not sure what kind of different it is. I really miss the old us, how we used to be. More, how he used to be with me, really. Now...I know he cares about me, loves me. But...just not how he used to. And when I dwell upon that, I can't help but get sad. But I try not to. This leads me to my next point. I don't know where my relationship is headed (and I've never known) but before I was always sure of it going in the "right direction" (wherever that lead) or down a positive path. Now I just feel that I'm waiting to break up again. Is this how it feels when you break up and get back together? Perhaps with some. But I don't think this is how it should feel. I don't think it should feel as it did back in the old days but I definitely feel it should be similar. I shouldn't be thinking that we're going to eventually break up again and that's that. I don't want to think that. Because how can you have a healthy relationship when you're just waiting for it to end? I really need to get out of this mentality.

Off note, considering my future. I've been thinking a lot about marriage. I really want to get married (and hold on, I'm not saying to Daniel or anything like that so don't get all crazy). But it's very true. I've always wanted to get married, but now it's becoming a stronger and more prominent thought. I just want to find that person, for us to be absolutely in love and in sync and start our family, dammit!

I wish it worked like that...but by golly. Who knows when that will happen.

About my friends. I feel so out of touch with them even though I know when we all get back together it will be like no time passed at all. Except that it has. What are we going to talk about besides what's been going on in our own individual lives? I just miss them. I miss talking about things that we experienced together. Not apart.

My future career...English teacher. I'm pretty set on it, I'm already taking classes and I honestly feel snug in my choice. I look forward to having a professional job, though God knows it's going to be a challenge getting one in this economy.

Sunday, July 19, 2009


Another night of no sleep. Insomnia is here to stay.

Listening to Weezer makes me want to jump around on my bed with music blasting. But I can't really do that right now, so I'm channeling my excess energy into blogging - while listening to Weezer.

Let's see, an odd thing happened tonight. After work I went with some friends to Jose's Tacos since they were hungry (and I wanted to freeload off their free and unlimited access to chips and salsa). While there, a dear friend, Obi, went to get a refill of Dr. Pepper. While filling his cup with ice I suppose he spotted a bat. Yes, the animal, flying around. He rushed back to the table to report what he saw. Naturally, we didn't believe him so we went to investigate ourselves. We didn't see anything at first, but then one of the employees pointed to a tiny black dot hanging onto a window curtain. Since it was nighttime I couldn't clearly make out the object, and I still had my doubts about it being a bat. But, after an employee threw a tortilla chip at it, it burst into flight and chased us back to our booth in fright (and some excitement). It's not everyday you find a bat flying around in a taco shop. Eventually, one of the employees smacked it with a broom and stunned it. It was actually all pretty funny (forgive us PETA for we have sinned).

Other than that, I finally decided on future girl names for my potential female children. Of this, I am very satisfied. You really start running out of things to think about when you're up on a lifeguard tower. So, I decided on two. The only thing is, I'd like to have two girls to use either of these names and since I can't really decide what sex my hoodlums will be or how many of each I'll have, I've come up with another name for a single girl. For two I've decided on Sophia (Sophie) and Olivia. I think both these names are extraordinarily adorable and suitable, and they just sound great together. For a single, I like Lily. It's also adorable. We'll see what happens with these names....

Sharing this, I'd like to show everyone how incredibly boring my job is. I often wonder what people think about at their jobs (because, let's get real, most jobs are ridiculously boring). I'd really like to know, so I'm going to make it my Question of the Week.

...I'm contemplating whether or not I should go into the topic of friends...

Nah. I'm all of a sudden tired.

Saturday, July 18, 2009


I can't stop listening to "3685" by The Spill Canvas.

A lot of things have happened since my last post (and I never did mention that Michael Jackson died, so there's that).

But anyway, one thing that sticks out from the 4th to the 18th is that I got into another tiff - well, actually, fight - with Daniel again. I wasn't really expecting this one, it just sort of came out of the blue. It all started with...what is it called kids? That's right! MISUNDERSTANDING. And something the kids wouldn't know: assholiery (opposite equivalent to chivalry and other words associated). It was bad, it was ugly, and it helped me to see things more clearly. Though the basis of our fight wasn't "stupid," and his actions were less than honorable, I have to keep in mind that I'm really not any better. Still, it gave me some closure. Pissed off, exasperated, bewildered, saddened...did I mention pissed off? - it all helped me to understand that I need to make the best of what we have, or still have. One day, a day that will come swiftly I'm sure, we'll be 3685. And we'll look back on our relationship, smile, and continue grilling hot dogs and hamburgers on our backyard grill standing next to our spouse and watching sporadic children run across the yard (hm, well maybe in my case). Sure, this will come with time - the looking back and smiling and not sobbing. But I have no doubt that the moving on will come, for it must. Still, I feel upset when I think about it, and I can't seem to shake it off my mind. Daniel is the first boy I ever loved, been in love with. And my oh my, when I think about our relationship and its wonderful, perfect beginnings, I can't help but to smile a grin that would have you asking me, "Are you okay?" And I'd give you one that said, "Never been better."

It's just so...overwhelming, overpowering, this love I feel. In a lot of ways it feels different than when I first felt it, not as exciting I guess you could say. A lot of things have happened since our perfect four months. A lot. But, my take on relationships is that whatever happens, happens and, everything happens for a reason. Because you learn. You learn from them and tailor your experience to better meet The One. A "system" so to speak. Often times I've thought of Daniel and I in that way - that kind of wishful thinking you can't really stray away from. It's a fun thought to entertain, but ultimately dire. I don't entertain those thoughts any longer. I know they're dire. Now all I want is to spend as much time as I can with him until we part ways. And even though I'd still want to be friends, even though I'd love to know him all my life, I know that this, too, is highly unlikely. I just don't think I could. And I've learned that remaining friends with an ex is...somewhat impossible, at least in my case. Things change. They always change. Whether they be people, places, or "things," they change. Sometimes it just isn't possible, no matter how possible you try to make it be. Things have already started changing for Daniel and I. I don't feel that..."umph" anymore. "You've lost that loving feeling" kind of feeling. I'd say it's fleeting temporarily.

Anyway, other than my coming to grips, I started work. In fact, I have work in a few hours. Goodie. I still hate my manager Elena. William's still annoying and I have so few hours all it's good for is gas and car payments.

As for, my. It's much too late for that. Next time.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Serving Up an Update.

It hasn't even been a month since my last post and it honestly feels like it's been FOREVER. Being home has been great and I've had a lot of fun. It feels like summer. Yet it feels different. Not your typical summer. A summer I've never experienced. For some reason I have a feeling that this summer will be just like all the summers I've had before and yet, though not apparent, will be the start of something different. And I guess it is. I'm starting another chapter in my life (yet again) with transferring to a new school (I'm still unsure of where) and starting a clean slate. I should feel good, positive, ready to tackle anything. And sometimes I do feel that way. Other times...I"whatever." Like I could care less. I suppose that's normal, even expected. After all, I'm only human. But I feel like there's nothing I can do at this point. I've done everything I can to be happy. And I am. But I know I can be happier.

I still feel slightly stressed from time to time. Recently I found out that I'll only have completed 3 units for the entire summer since there's only ONE session at RCC, not TWO like I had thought. I guess I frustrate myself. Well, I don't guess. I know. I'm taking public speaking and it's a cool class. I enjoy it. I have an informative speech due Wednesday and I haven't gotten started on it. Procrastination should be my middle name. But I'm not worried about it, I have the whole weekend to write my outline and tweak it a bit before next week. I also realized I'm bogus behind in units to be able to transfer to Fullerton in the Fall of 2010. So I guess it's Spring or nothing. "Poor planning makes for piss poor performance." It's a quote my dad always tells me, one he learned in the military. It seems I can never adhere to it. I really should. I wish changing yourself could be easier, like using a cheat code in the Sims...but trust me, it is near impossible in real life, as I'm sure you know or can imagine. People make it out to seem easy as lemon squeezy. "If you really want to change, you will." "If you don't try, you won't." What if you really want to and you've really tried? "You're not trying hard enough, just keep trying harder. You have to try harder." Well, I'm tired of trying. "Don't give up." I'm not giving up. I'm acknowledging the fact that I'm tired.

Am I in denial? Or are they nuts?

I'm not sure. It seems every time I try to plan something out, something goes wrong. Either way I do it, I get the same result: problems. But, there's no such thing as perfection. Still, I'm tired of these problems cropping up every time I try to do something "right." It always ends up being "I should have." I should have made sure if there were two sessions of summer school versus just one. I should have taken more classes. I should have studied more. I shouldn't have said that to so and so. I shouldn't have acted that way....A world of minor regret starts to push you to the edge. A breaking point. That point where it simply gets under your skin enough to make you feel like giving up. But then you smack yourself and say, what I am I doing? This is life. This is reality. This is how life really is. And you move on. You keep living. Things won't always work out the way I want them to, no matter how much I want them to or how much I try to make it work out that way. It doesn't have to do with "You didn't try hard enough." Because the truth is, I don't have control over my future. My actions, yes. Maybe I could attribute somewhat to what will happen, where I'll go. But the rest...I have no control over. This doesn't mean I discount "trying." I simply encourage "doing." I've admired the people who "do" versus those who "try." I think the same can be said of everyone. But, what people tend to overlook is the fact that those who "try" might simply be unlucky. And that's okay. Being unlucky you have no control over. It's unfair that people admire the doers over the tryers. But it makes sense, naturally. To do is to succeed. To try is to fail. I think the big picture, for me, is to come to terms with "failing." I've been really lucky all my life. More like blessed. But I need to come to terms with things not working out the way I want, the way I wish they would.

It's a life lesson I need to learn.

Monday, June 8, 2009


I think feeling helpless has to be one of the worst emotions one can feel. Right now, that's how I feel. When something bad happens to a person I care a lot about, something I can do nothing about, I feel and am utterly helpless. I've grown very attached to my roommate Danielle, and one reason I don't want to leave this school is because I know we'll start to drift apart. I'm not being pessimistic, I'm simply being realistic. We both acknowledge this, and we both acknowledge that we are sad about it. But we also acknowledge that these past few months have created a quick yet powerful bond we will never forget. I'll always remember my roommate of my freshmen year in college and how much we hit it off. The late night talks, the complaints, the adventures, the midnight munchies. However, right now, I feel helpless. And since she is one of my closest friends, I feel saddened., my, my. When they take a turn for the worse, nothing can make it better. Absolutely nothing. Ain't it a crazy thing. Well, I don't know what's going to happen between her and Aaron...I don't know if she should break up with him now and start the healing process or if she should wait it out another year. It reminds me a lot of when Caitie was here. Every other day being another fight, another night of tears....

I wish I could help. But I know that I can't.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Amazing Grace.

It may seem cliche, it may seem boring, but "Amazing Grace" is my favorite song of all time (and no, not because it includes my name, though that's a plus) before "Pie Jesu." It is one of the only songs that can make goosebumps run up and down my spine, the ONLY one that can make me close my eyes and get lost in its power (without even realizing it). And, of course, it's going to be played at my funeral (along with "Bridge Over Troubled Water"), but not just the instrumental version (bagpipes, naturally), also the vocal (which I'm undecided about). I'm very particular when it comes to the vocal renditions of "Amazing Grace," and only the best get my stamp of approval. I think "Amazing Grace" has the most renditions of any song out there. You really need to get into this song when you're singing it, and I can't get over how powerful it is. I guess another reason I'm so fond of it is because it's apart of my childhood, and beliefs. My dad used to hum the melody to me when he'd tuck me in at night as a little girl, stroking my hair until I fell asleep. He'd sing it around the house in his booming yet gentle voice, cooking breakfast or ironing his uniform, getting ready for work as I sat at the table with a bowl of cereal and a side of my dad's infamous peanut butter and banana sandwiches. I remember going to, ironic enough, Grace Church, where I heard it sung in Korean, people lifting their hands, the smell of spicy kimchi and steamy, sticky rice intermingling with conjoined voices, my mom standing and singing with her eyes closed. I remember hearing it sung in Spanish ("Sublime Gracia" sounds a lot cooler) when I'd visit Agape Church in Tijuana, sitting outside in the dirt coloring with local kids. It holds meaning for me. You could even say it's very important to me.

I simply wanted to make note of this song because it randomly played on my Zune just recently (the Sumi Jo version).

Friday, May 29, 2009


Yesterday was my one year with Daniel, and though it probably wasn't altogether fulfilling for him, I feel happy - and an even better word meaning the same thing - content. We split a large pizza with mushrooms, pineapples, and sausage - and I'm still feeling the side-effects. I am stuffed, hours after the pizza guzzling. The gifts I got him were a futuristic, NASA-inspired ant farm to keep its ant inhabitants thriving without the need for food or water (he liked this), a handmade card (that took forever and was very laborious), and a tape recording (since he prefers hearing things versus reading things). He gave me another Woot shirt, which I'm beginning to realize is a trend, which I really like; it has two fish swimming upstream on one side (I'm the red one and he's the blue one) and he also gave me a really cool old-looking box with a weird Cubix-like toy shaped into a heart inside, surrounded by rose peddles. Reflecting back on it, I realize we're huge nerds. But I really liked my gifts, now I'm simply waiting for my letter and a few other things he got me, which I'm assuming I'll get once I come home. In his words, he's lagging it. Which is fine since I'm lagging it with his mixed CD. I only wish he could have stayed...alas, it was not to be. His car, a Nissan of course, broke down multiple times while he was here. Him driving home was...scary to think about. But he made it. Thank the Lord. Santa Barbara really doesn't like him...or his car.

It seems like this past year flew by in the blink of an eye, and yet, when you really think about it, so, so, incredibly slowly. Like when you think about being ten and realize how fast time flies, except now the memories are fresh and it seems like that year seemed to just drag on and on and on. I know I'll have those same feelings of this year for the rest of my life - of it just dragging on and on and on. I remember the times where I thought the school year would never come to an end, and I'd feel like balling until I couldn't produce any more tears. Good thing those days are behind me because I wouldn't be able to handle any more of them. I'm finally leaving this dreadful school to be reunited with my one true love and family and real people, not identical clones. I've never been more excited for anything in my life. And that's saying a lot.

Destination: Fontana
Allotted time: 12 days

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Take Me Away.

I just might have an anger management problem...or at least developed one while here. Today, after my women's studies class, I got on my bike and started riding back to my dorm. In front of me, not too far away, was a girl (also in my women's studies class) who is a bit heavyset and rides a scooter around school. I call her Scooter Girl. Since we were in IV, or douchebag central, there were a surplus of cars; it's almost like playing a game of Frogger - except you don't have unlimited lives to spare. I was passing her up when the car who had been making its way down the street rolled their window down and started laughing at her - directly at her....

I can't even...I really can't even express how much...complete and utter disgust I felt....

I was so pissed off. So...angry. I started yelling at them...and I honestly don't know what I said...and then I chased them on my bike, their laughs directed towards me now. I must have looked fact, I think I did go a little crazy.

I'm getting really scared...staying here is...I really don't think it's good for me, mentally. I just lost it today. If they would've gotten out of their cars...I really think that I would have tried to fight them...

What is happening to me?

What is wrong with people? Why do they have to be such assholes? How could you keep laughing after you saw that girl's face? How much more damage have you done to her insecurity at this Goddamn all-about-looks-school by doing that? Why are people...

...I can't even find the words. They don't exist.

Title and Registration.

I had the most awkward phone conversation with my boyfriend not too long ago. Not the kind where there are some moments or even minutes of silence, but of uncomfortable and completely awkward silence. Comfortable silence I like, but when there's uncomfortable silence....Let's just say it got under my skin, and lead to a floodgate.

I feel...aggravated. This always happens once I come back to Santa Barbara. ALWAYS. We get into these...tiffs. Grace has less than a month left here, so let's try and fit in as many relationship upsets as possible before then. Today's game plan? How about an awkward/annoying conversation?

I just feel like screaming, "COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!! Come on!!!" and shaking my fists and slamming them into something nice and unbreakable.

I mean, c'mon, really? You kiddin' me?

It isn't really the awkward/annoying conversation that bothers me (though the uncomfortable silence does to some extent), it's more the accumulation of all these tiffs we've had since my being here. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. But Coldplay got it right when they sang, "Nobody ever said it would be this hard." I've cried. A lot. And that pisses me off. Because I hate it, another reminder that I no longer have control over myself. But it pisses me off a million times more because I get so incredibly sad I can't do anything - literally. I'm more than happy about coming home, being reunited and starting things off the way they should have been, but I'm also extremely apprehensive. I'm scared shitless, actually.

I look at couples I know. Some are even farther apart than Daniel and I and have hardly gotten into tiffs (by "tiffs" I mean stupid arguments) since being here. They're those couples that you look at and you know that they're going to end up together indefinitely. Now, that's not what I'm asking for. But it makes me wonder...what is it about our relationship that makes us get into so many tiffs? If distance is the factor, why isn't it for those couples? Are we faulty?....

Every time we get upset at each other it makes me question these things. I know that stupid arguments are unavoidable and even necessary at times, but this many?...No. Why can't we handle it? Is it that I can't, or that he can't even more? Is it an imbalance? I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. I hate it. When I go home, will everything really be okay? What if we realize, no, this isn't going to work. This whole year...all that hardship...only to find out that everything's changed?

Will I be learning another lesson?

I'll be playing "Title and Registration" until I fall asleep.

Monday, May 11, 2009


"Nyc" by Interpol has been my song of choice for the past week and a half now. My second favorite song by Interpol I decided, next to "Public Pervert" (remixed version cannot be replaced). This song gets me in the mood to travel, and I'm finding myself missing the city. By that I mean I'm missing The Big Apple, New York City. There's something so...magical about it. So exciting. You can never be bored, there's always something to do. It's so culturally diverse, you find yourself swimming in its ethnic stew as soon as you step off the plane. It's dangerous, it's a thrill. I haven't been to New York since my sophomore year, and only once before when I was eleven. Both times I stayed a week. I've only been in New York for two weeks total. More than most people, less than a lot of people. They say if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere. This I believe wholeheartedly. I miss the excitement that city produced within me. It's so big, so daunting, so...alive.

The city is alive.

That's the best way to describe it. In a way so much more spectacular than Los Angeles, so much more "classy." Don't get me wrong, I love L.A. I love Los Angeles like a cholo who has its initials inked on his back, but I love NYC indefinitely more. Right now, that's where I wish I was - out at a corner cafe, sipping coffee, staring out at the lights that, despite its example of wasteful energy, provide breathtaking man-made scenery. So there is something we can (somewhat) do right.

More than that, I wish I were in New York with the people I miss the most. My best friends, my boyfriend. Imagine the fun we'd have.

I smile just thinking about it, because that's all I can do. But I smile more because maybe, just maybe, one day it will happen.

I came back to Santa Barbara this morning after spending Mother's Day weekend at home. It's terrible because I'm actually getting used to coming back, it's still difficult, but now that the end of the year is approaching the sadness lasted only seconds. I'll be back home very soon. In fact, in less than a month. As for what I did this weekend, nothing too explosive, though thoroughly enjoyable.

On Saturday my boyfriend and I saw the movies Star Trek and Earth. I'm not going to talk about Earth because, quite frankly, it's not worth it. But I will happily talk about Star Trek. What a pleasant, pleasant surprise that movie turned out to be. I was expecting the worst (as I usually do), figuring Abrams wouldn't be able to execute the brilliant fantasy that is Star Trek as well as Lucas did with the first four Star Wars films (yes, I just included Star Trek and Star Wars in one sentence AND I compared them), but, like I sometimes am, I was enjoyably wrong. So much so that I highly recommend everyone see it if they're looking for a good time. It has the right amount of action, a fun plot, and the original Spock makes an appearance - how much more do you want from a fantasy film? It's just an all-around fun movie. I'm not saying it's groundbreaking, but they did outdo themselves I must admit. "Two thumbs up!" I predict.

Other than a movie, I spent Mother's Day lunching on chachamyung, or brown noodles, which is simply a bowl of noodles mixed with special brown sauce (usually includes onions and thin, vertical cucumber slices for an added crunch, with bits of marinated meat) - one word: Delicious! We also shared sweet, fried shrimp and a big bowl of rice. Afterward, we went to Handel's (BEST ice cream on the west coast if I do say so myself) where we shared Banana Cream Pie ice cream in a waffle cone for $4 (we couldn't even finish it). Conveniently, there was a little spa about three stores down from Handel's and we had ourselves a pedicure, her choice of color being red and mine being pearly white. It was a fun day having my mom lovingly lecture me about anything and everything - I didn't mind, I missed the woman incredibly. And I could tell she missed me by how much she lectured me. Our own way of expressing deep emotion. I just wish I had executed the holiday a bit dad always outshines me in the gift department - he bought her flowers AND gave her money! I thought I was the one who was supposed to do the gift-buying? Alas, I do feel bad. I had a shipment order I told my mom to look out for and I stupidly forgot that that upcoming weekend was Mother's Day. She thought it was for her. It must have been slightly upsetting when I tore open the box only to reveal the gifts I had gotten Guido for his birthday - I don't think sometimes. How do I know she was a little upset? She told me, and my dad. So, I guess he felt bad and bought her flowers to one-up me and gave us lunch money. At least her husband is thoughtful. I really need to think things through and not be as spontaneous so much; it's not always a good thing. I have poor planning when it comes to holidays, birthdays, etc. Particularly anniversaries. I only mention this because Daniel and I's one year is coming up, and I have all my ideas stored in my mind, but no way in which to execute them correctly. I really need to get started on that. I just see things, get a great idea, purchase, then rethink it and realize that, maybe, it wasn't such a "great" idea after all. I'll tell you how that goes, though.

But, anyway, Extravaganza '09 is coming up this weekend, May 16, and I'm getting a bit excited about it. Cold War Kids, Girl Talk, and The Cool Kids are among the top performers I want to see...even though Ludacris is the headliner of the event. Whatever, I like me some Luda, I'll get down and shake my money maker. I'm not sure if it's only for UCSB attendees or not, but if it turns out not to be I'll make a note of it. That's about it for today, I'm off to go to the gym and maybe watch Y Tu Mama Tambien with Joana, energy permitting.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

How to Disappear Completely.

It was bound to happen eventually. The appearance of my first bad blog. Today has just been a horrible day. From last night to this morning. Radiohead, is there a way to disappear completely? Like those colorful particles that disappear when you close your eyes after they've flickered across its black canvas? I feel like doing that today. The whole entire day. Closing my eyes and concentrating on those lines of color and listening to that song, sinking myself into the fascinations staring at your own eyelids can conjure and marveling at the imagination. Today has worn me out. Emotionally, physically - any other -ally you can name - I've had enough. I want peace. To forget about everything, everyone in my life. I feel like talking to God today. And I'm such an asshole for it. The only time I ever do is when I feel like complete shit. For that, I am the most sorry of anything I have ever done or am to do. I keep telling myself everything is going to be okay. "I know everything will be okay" is my mantra. But I'm scared on the inside, deep down, I'm scared. I called CSU San Bernardino today about my admission, and I had to leave a message for a lady who sounded like she smoked a hundred packs of cigarettes a day. I called my boss who had a busy line. Yet again. I need to call again soon....Then my boyfriend told me he had dreams of physical and emotional infidelity. Again.


Right after a stress attack last night thanks to an over-analytical mind.

At this point I feel like throwing up my hands and giving up. Like I always do. But I know I won't. Because I can't. No matter how much I tell myself I'm going to, no matter how much I try...I can't. Me, myself, and I won't allow it.

How fucking frustrating.

I know that this is a good thing - believe me. But I wish I could trick myself into completely giving up for one day. At least one day. ONE DAY, GRACE. Please.

I wonder about my future more than my past or my present, a big contributor to my stress factor. I daydream too damn much. But now it isn't about flying or how it would be if I could actually sit on a cloud, looking down from my own sanctuary in the sky. Now it's about what I'm going to be doing in four or five years. Where I'll be living. If I'll be happy.

How dull.

I want to join the Peace Corps. because it will be an experience of a lifetime. I want to because I want to help and meet amazing people that will give light to the human race. I want to because it gives me something to look forward to. It gives me a comforting thought. It inspires me. It's my own little bubble of happiness. I want to because it will teach me something - something more valuable than anything I can think of. I'm going to join. One day. I'm going to. It might not be right after graduation, but I will be in a different country after I've graduated. You can count on that. I won't be here anymore.

"It's time that we grow old and do some shit."

"Lover's Spit" has got to be my favorite song by Feist (or at least cover by Feist, the song originally by Broken Social Scene). That's exactly what I'm aiming towards. I'm going to do some shit. Exactly.

I'm a restless soul. And I can never be satisfied except by a psalm or a prayer. What a comfort to have when all else fails. I know I have no tribulations, I'm not so vain as to think I do. There's only so much I can take, but I know He only gives you what you can handle.

So, I need to handle it. I'm off to take a walk with God.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

THE COOL KIDS and Cinco de Mayo.

Today I downloaded The Cool Kids' debut album, "Gone Fishing," a 21-track compilation of mad beats and smooth rhymin' - all for the wondrous price of absolutely...FREE! You can do the same at I was ecstatic upon hearing news of a free album by the catchy-as-a-pop-song Cool Kids, a personal favorite rap duo. Lord knows I've only been waiting an entire year for it. Not only does the new album include one of my favorite songs, "Pennies," the updated remix, but the song "Gold Links" spits the words or, rather, word "riff-raff." You have to be pretty damn awesome to incorporate the word "riff-raff" in a style as peanut buttery smooth as Mickey Rocks and Chuck Inglish manage to do within a poignantly hip hop sound. The greatest thing is that they're going to be at UCSB's Extravaganza '09 - check it!

Other than my genuine joy of having downloaded "Gone Fishing," today is Cinco de Mayo, a.k.a. another excuse to throw a party and get wasted. I think it's more celebrated by white people than Mexicans by the looks of it at my school. I've seen at least two people sport a sombrero just on my way back from class as well as a handful of what my friend Leslie refers to as "Eskihoes" (booty short, Ugg wearing gals) drunk off their asses. I think it's funny that in Mexico they hardly celebrate Cinco de Mayo, if at all, and it gets so much hype here. They celebrate on September 16, which is Mexico's actual Independence Day. What other explanation can there be for Cinco de Mayo besides the mass sale of chips, salsa, tequila and an excuse to say we celebrate Mexican diversity in the U.S. so that we don't look like racist assholes?

I say we at least switch the date of celebration to a time when school is not in session, or Mexico's true Independence Day. That way I don't have to deal with these idiots parading around in sombreros making a racket about how drunk they're going to get tonight (or already are) and have to complain about how nauseous people here make me.

All I can say is thank-you Cool Kids!

I'm going to add to this by saying that the grandiose Oprah is giving away free KFC coupons valid for two pieces of grilled chicken, two sides, and two biscuits. Don't ask me why, just go to and print it out. Ask questions later.

Nice Dream.

Sleep refuses to bless me with her otherworldly touch tonight.

And I'm pissed about it.

I slept late last night talking to my boyfriend of nearly a year, Daniel, via instant messenger trying to work out a few kinks in our relatively perfect-in-my-eyes relationship. By the time I got off AIM I was groggy-eyed and emotionally drained, slightly annoyed but ready to hit the pillows in utter exhaustion. Sleep came to me. But in the creepiest of ways.

I had a dream. A dream about a liquefied chicken. Yes, I know these don't exist, but my dreams teeter on the extreme. I was at some carnival with my mom (of all people) and we decided to hit up a game booth. My mom won me a prize: the liquefied chicken. I remember thinking, "Oh, man, I hate chickens" but thought nothing of the fact that my prize was nonexistent and plain out bizarre, only that I couldn't tell my hyped up mom that "chicken" was code for "devil's spawn." The liquefied chicken was actually a plastic mold of a chicken with a yellow, jello-y filling on the inside. The "cool" thing about it was that if you sprinkled food (which looked like fish pellets) inside of the mold that the chicken would come alive. So, I proceeded to do so. From the yellow substance came a real life, clucking chicken. I was slightly amused, but not amazed. The chicken started pecking at the ground and while I turned around to express my fake enthusiasm at owning a chicken to my mom, the bastard started running away! So, I started chasing it, afraid it would run out into the street (which, now that I reflect upon it, is quite funny). Instead, it ran towards a massive trash dumpster where another chicken had somehow shown up, both running in circles clucking hysterically. I was pissed off at having to chase my chicken, and now I had to figure out which one was mine. Eventually, I caught it and somehow converted it back into its original jello form. And took it home.

...I really need to go to sleep earlier.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Flashing Lights.

After forking over my old Casio Exilim to my mom who started to use it religiously, my search for the perfect camera at a reasonable price has ended with the Canon PowerShot XS10 IS Digital Camera. To sum it up in the words of the Canon company:

"Whether the action is fast or slow, close up or far away, you'll always get the shot you want with the PowerShot SX10 IS. This camera puts you on the cutting edge of advanced technology, with an incredibly powerful 20x Optical Zoom, 10-megapixel resolution, and new DIGIC 4 Image Processor for high-performance face and motion detection."

All for the internet-researched price of $219. Originally, I was going to buy a Nikon CoolPix for the same price at Costco, but I knew I'd regret buying it. Besides, I've wanted to try a Canon for a while now, it was only a matter of time before I bought myself a legend. Although this particular camera isn't the best, keep in mind that I am a poor college student and, also, not a professional photographer. But, believe me, if I could I'd buy the new Rebel T1 in a heartbeat.

I've always liked taking pictures of everything and anything, but I never gave the ever-popular art form of photography much thought. Thanks to a friend of mine, Ioana, I've really come to enjoy photography. She recently showed me a website that I think is especially cute and amazing called in which select photographers were asked to take six pictures of the ones they loved (hence the website's name) and write a short reasoning as to why they did. Just go to the category of "Photographers" and click on a name. I particularly like Anna-Liisa Liiver.

With my new Canon, I'm hoping to not only be able to take pictures of the ones I love, the places I go, the things I do, but inspire myself and have fun with the endless possibilities a camera holds. In short, I'm excited!

Keep your eyes peeled for upcoming photos.


Blogging. I never thought I'd actually get into this so much, but here I am with my very own blog. First off, I'd like to say (or reiterate) that this is really for my own personal enjoyment, as I know blogging implies. On account of my being the laziest person I know, the ideal dream of owning a journal with cute little pictures and swirly handwriting has been dashed by such extreme laborious penmanship that a blog has become its solution. I've always wanted a diary ever since I read The Diary of a Young Girl: Anne Frank in the fifth grade. But why not settle for a blog? Sure, the drawbacks include not being able to gaze at my horrid all caps handwriting and crossed out messiness that cuts down my paragraphs into two or three sentences, but just look at the pros:

You get to read it.

Of course, you don't have to comment my entries. I simply want some kind of personal documentation that I existed on this planet, and since it's on the world wide web, I know it's pretty much a given that my blog will remain in cyberspace forever (creepy echo). Instead of leaving my kids a bound-up journal which they would have to decipher like a plumber looking at a wall of hieroglyphics, I'll leave them with a website. Presumptuous of me to determine how long I'll live, but if I do live long enough to be Grandma Grace, I'll leave this world a hipster.

With that said and done, I conclude my prelude.