Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I don't know exactly where to start this entry off...

A lot of things have happened lately. "Bad news first, good news last" seems to always be the format of choice...so bad news first. Today my mother got a call from her sister in Korea. My mom's last uncle died. I never knew him...but it was clear that my mom and him were close. Because she cried.

Seeing either of your parents cry is...hard. Really hard. I found myself crying, cradling her in my arms when she confessed that she hadn't called him in years. It was heartbreaking. The only comfort was that he was a Christian and loved God. He's in a better place now. But you have to mourn. And my mom is. Thankfully, I was able to cheer her up a bit today. We watched a Korean drama, ate ramen, talked, kept busy and, most importantly, laughed. Still, I know I won't be enough to keep her from mourning. Tonight, I won't be able to hold back her tears when she goes to bed. But my mom is strong, and this is something that is necessary. I've never lost anyone close to me in my life. But I know one day I will....

Death is a constant reminder that I am not invincible, that God can choose to take me whenever he wants. It's funny...sometimes I forget that I'm so fragile. That I'm nothing but skin and bones, surviving on the only planet known to man to sustain life, and only by a fraction. It's really a miracle. Anyone who says they don't believe in miracles is blind.

Better yet, I often forget that those close to me are fragile. You know, when you're younger you think your parents are like superheroes. Nothing can hurt them. They actually do seem invincible. They can do everything. As you get older, you start to realize that your parents aren't as perfect as you thought (or are invincible.) Like when you realize that flowers grow by photosynthesis and not by the animals in Bambi who come out at night and sprinkle magic dust on the ground. Things become more "clear" you could say.

It seems that the most common regret with those who lose loved ones is that they should have done something - called, apologized, spent more time with them.

Yes, death is a reminder. Not only of our mortality, but of the mortality of those you love most. Never take time for granted. Never harbor feelings. That's why I hate when people hold grudges. No matter the outcome, do as much as you can so that you can live life without regret. To know that you at least did everything you could do is better than doing nothing (even if the outcome is not what you hoped for) - and people always realize that too late.

So, that happened today.

And a day or so ago...I got fired from my job working for an older Jewish gentleman in the most cowardly way - and I'm not talking about my boss. I didn't even get a chance to quit. At least it's done with. I honestly don't care enough anymore to talk about it. It's not worth it.

And now, with the bad news behind us, the "good news."

Well there's really no good news anymore, but Vanessa was here for her spring break not too long ago which made me a very happy gal. Completely out of the blue, she says she's in Fontana. I just about peed my pants. It was great to talk about "stuff" and watch When Harry Met Sally and sleepover. And go to a gay prom and Hamburger Mary's. We had ourselves a good time, despite the obstacles.

I honestly don't know what I did to deserve the friends I have. I ask God that ALL THE TIME. It worked out much too perfectly. It's like we're puzzle pieces that fit together. We work so well, it's hard to believe. We were meant for each other. It sounds so cheesy but it's so true. Vanessa is AMAZING. I've never met a person more caring than she is. She has the ability to make you happy when you feel like complete shit. She's goofy and too cute, you always feel like pinching her cheeks. And yet, she's so aggressive - in such a good way. She goes after things and does them. She's a doer. I admire her the most. And yet, when she's been hurt, she really gets hurt, it clings to her because she cares. So much. It surprises me at times. But most of all she's genuine. There are moments where I just lose it and start acting silly, busting rhymes or laughing at unfunny things - and she goes along with it! I honestly can't express how GREAT that is. I'm just really thankful I have her in my life and that I'll be seeing her again soon.

As for the other good things...

I've been having fun at work. Yes, fun. Now that I'm not a depressed, anti-social person anymore, I've been making friends (surprise, surprise.) It's actually enjoyable. Along with friends...there are boys. Just boys. Boys. God. I know I won't be in a relationship soon because I'm not good for anybody right now...but these boys. One just doesn't give up. The other...the thing is, I actually like him, though I wouldn't consider him my type...though who am I kidding comparing my last two exes? What type am I talking about? Still, I know he likes me. He practically told me. It's easy to see. And I feel pretty horrible about it....I'm nowhere near ready for that. And I'm so much more wiser than I was before. I need time. And a lot of it.

Then there's Josh. No real updates there except that I can say that we're good friends. We haven't hung out in awhile, but I'm always glad to see him. I never thought exes could be friends...especially with what's happened recently. But the truth is, they can. I'm just thankful for his friendship - the fact that he'd want to hang out with me after everything. It shows me a lot about him...

And then there's Maryland. I'm off to Vanessa's home state Sunday night. But lucky/unlucky me, my best friend Cait is coming home for spring break. Still, I'll be able to see her for awhile Sunday morning before I leave for my flight. I miss her so much. Fontana just isn't the same without her here.

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