Since the age of 13 I've wanted one thing and one thing only - to fall in love.
Little did I know I should have pined for something a step further - to stay in love, and for that person to stay in love with me.
It's so easy to fall in love. It's finding the right person that's the hard part.
I'm writing to someone I know exists. Someone that is mine even though they don't know it yet. Someone that is waiting patiently for me, and I for them. I thought I had found that someone but I was wrong....
But it doesn't bother me like it used to. As much as I try to deny it, I'm still hurting, I'm still healing, I'm still fighting the good fight. I think someone should write a book trying to explain unexplainable feelings, as paradoxical as it sounds. Why? Because no one prepares you for those experiences. And sure, this book of explaining unexplainable feelings may serve no purpose as words can never TRULY convey emotions, thus hindering them unexplainable, but I feel it should be out in this world nonetheless. For critical thought at least. If I had an inkling of what heartbreak actually felt like, maybe I would have done things differently.
Now, at age 19, I want nothing more than someone to love and to be loved in return, genuinely, tenderly. I feel like every human being shares this same desire - that somewhere deep within the complexities of the human soul lies a need to love and be loved. A big part of me feels empty now that I've been in love. In other words, the need for love has intensified. Before, I was content to dream. Now, all I want is for my dreams to become reality once again. The next time I'm in love I'll know what a precious gift it truly is. The sad and unfortunate thing about firsts is that you don't fully realize how special they are - especially your first love - and I don't think you fully appreciate how amazing they are until they're gone. You don't completely understand.
I feel so much more mature for having gone through so much pain. After all, isn't it through pain that wisdom is gained? The next time I'm in love, I won't be hesitant, I won't be scared. The next time I'm in love I'm going to give him my all before it's too late, and he's going to love me genuinely, tenderly.
For the longest time I couldn't listen to love songs. I'd either end up in a really bad mood or crying. Thankfully, I can listen to love songs now - and even sing along. See how much I've improved?
I made a little mix. It's dedicated to the next person lucky enough to have me. I hope you enjoy.