I've been sick since Thursday but I've been recovering since Saturday morning. Which, of course, meant I could carry on with my weekend plans to drive up to Santa Barbara and attend Extravaganza 2010, see Drake work his raw and, to me, cute charm to a crowd of college students and visitors, and get to hang with my SB crew. I had so much fun and was actually very happy to be back that it got me thinking...
After last year and spilling my hatred for UCSB in this very blog and to friends and family, I've finally gotten to the point where I can reassess just WHY I was so desperate to leave. And as cliche as it sounds, it turns out that it wasn't entirely for the right reasons. Back then, I was stressed. College was new to me, as were loans, ACTUALLY having to really think about my future, and a UC workload. I won't lie, it was VERY stressful. But I think I made it more stressful than it had to be. Almost from the start I began to hate the place. First, I was roommates with the biggest complainer in the whole wide world. That person being my best friend Caitie. Living with that, it would be hard to stay optimistic about the place. She transferred winter quarter to San Francisco State University which was really hard on me since Caitie was my social life line. I was incredibly lonely at the start of my winter quarter at UCSB but that soon changed. I made friends, really good friends. Close friends. It's so, so rare to find people that you just "click" with and form such strong bonds with but I did. Being me, I didn't fully appreciate the gift I had been given and decided to focus on the negativity UCSB does, unfortunately at times, possess. My main complaint was the people. I didn't like the people, they were all shallow barbies or shallow asswipes in my eyes. Going around like that, it's no wonder I continued to fuel my hatred into thoughts of transferring. To add, having to deal with getting loans and dolling out money I didn't have every quarter got to my fresh-out-of-high-school-self. And to add on to that, I had a boyfriend who lived back at home. By the end of winter quarter, my mind was made up - just send in an application at my boyfriend's school and pray for results. All of the transferring crap was another stress load, not to mention my relationship's shakiness by the end of the school year. Though I had convinced myself I was transferring for ME, it was also to save my relationship. My biggest fear was that if I moved back Daniel and I would break up - which we did - but that says a lot. I should have been fearing other things, like what if CSUSB wasn't for me? Back in high school, I promised I would NEVER go to CSUSB like almost everyone from my school did. Now that I'm here...I realize CSUSB is NOT for me. It's a good school, don't get me wrong. But it's not for me. Maybe it's for Daniel. Maybe it's for the other thousands of students that claim it as theirs. But not for me. It's comfortable. But I don't necessarily like that. I feel I've regressed. Not because it's a CSU or anything like that. But because I'm back at home. That is not for me. I need to be away. I need to live elsewhere. I'm restless. So I've decided that I'm going to stay at CSUSB another year and then transfer either back to UCSB and live with the most amazing people and make my senior year awesome, or transfer to another UC. Yes, UC. Though I have nothing against CSU or its professors (in fact, I absolutely love my critical thinking prof) it's not enough. I know that sounds outright bizarre...but I don't feel like I'm really learning enough. Some classes I've taken at CSU overlap with those I've taken at UCSB, and I honestly don't need to study or read because I know the material and then some. I've aced all my sociology classes with flying colors all because I took women's studies at UCSB - because women's studies was so much more than just that - it encompassed so much, squeezed in as much as it could so that it covered an Intro to Soc class AND critical thinking class at CSUSB. Even my professors have made comments about how much more information I end up contributing in class. It's hard to really explain the difference I feel. I want more. And when it comes to my education, the more selfish I am, the better. I want the best I can get. So transferring my fourth year is going to happen, and I plan on staying a fifth year as well. Linguistics has become an obsession. I love how it breaks down language and how the two go hand-in-hand. I'm so much more mature than I was last year. I know what's really important. There's nothing for me here anymore. I love my family, but even they want me to transfer. I really feel like I transferred for the wrong reasons. For a warped, naive outlook and for a relationship that would have fallen apart irregardless of my moving back.
In short, I feel stupid. But at the same time I'm glad it happened. How else would I know it wouldn't work out? Everything happens for a reason, as the saying goes.
Anyway, I really do miss SB. Being back evokes so many memories. I miss riding around, living on campus, cooking dinner, my weekend routine, hanging with my lovelies, being INDEPENDENT. I really miss my girls. I can't wait for that fourth year to roll around. But trust, I'm going to make this year count. CSUSB is still my school after all. For now.