Saturday, July 18, 2009


I can't stop listening to "3685" by The Spill Canvas.

A lot of things have happened since my last post (and I never did mention that Michael Jackson died, so there's that).

But anyway, one thing that sticks out from the 4th to the 18th is that I got into another tiff - well, actually, fight - with Daniel again. I wasn't really expecting this one, it just sort of came out of the blue. It all started with...what is it called kids? That's right! MISUNDERSTANDING. And something the kids wouldn't know: assholiery (opposite equivalent to chivalry and other words associated). It was bad, it was ugly, and it helped me to see things more clearly. Though the basis of our fight wasn't "stupid," and his actions were less than honorable, I have to keep in mind that I'm really not any better. Still, it gave me some closure. Pissed off, exasperated, bewildered, saddened...did I mention pissed off? - it all helped me to understand that I need to make the best of what we have, or still have. One day, a day that will come swiftly I'm sure, we'll be 3685. And we'll look back on our relationship, smile, and continue grilling hot dogs and hamburgers on our backyard grill standing next to our spouse and watching sporadic children run across the yard (hm, well maybe in my case). Sure, this will come with time - the looking back and smiling and not sobbing. But I have no doubt that the moving on will come, for it must. Still, I feel upset when I think about it, and I can't seem to shake it off my mind. Daniel is the first boy I ever loved, been in love with. And my oh my, when I think about our relationship and its wonderful, perfect beginnings, I can't help but to smile a grin that would have you asking me, "Are you okay?" And I'd give you one that said, "Never been better."

It's just so...overwhelming, overpowering, this love I feel. In a lot of ways it feels different than when I first felt it, not as exciting I guess you could say. A lot of things have happened since our perfect four months. A lot. But, my take on relationships is that whatever happens, happens and, everything happens for a reason. Because you learn. You learn from them and tailor your experience to better meet The One. A "system" so to speak. Often times I've thought of Daniel and I in that way - that kind of wishful thinking you can't really stray away from. It's a fun thought to entertain, but ultimately dire. I don't entertain those thoughts any longer. I know they're dire. Now all I want is to spend as much time as I can with him until we part ways. And even though I'd still want to be friends, even though I'd love to know him all my life, I know that this, too, is highly unlikely. I just don't think I could. And I've learned that remaining friends with an ex is...somewhat impossible, at least in my case. Things change. They always change. Whether they be people, places, or "things," they change. Sometimes it just isn't possible, no matter how possible you try to make it be. Things have already started changing for Daniel and I. I don't feel that..."umph" anymore. "You've lost that loving feeling" kind of feeling. I'd say it's fleeting temporarily.

Anyway, other than my coming to grips, I started work. In fact, I have work in a few hours. Goodie. I still hate my manager Elena. William's still annoying and I have so few hours all it's good for is gas and car payments.

As for, my. It's much too late for that. Next time.

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