It hasn't even been a month since my last post and it honestly feels like it's been FOREVER. Being home has been great and I've had a lot of fun. It feels like summer. Yet it feels different. Not your typical summer. A summer I've never experienced. For some reason I have a feeling that this summer will be just like all the summers I've had before and yet, though not apparent, will be the start of something different. And I guess it is. I'm starting another chapter in my life (yet again) with transferring to a new school (I'm still unsure of where) and starting a clean slate. I should feel good, positive, ready to tackle anything. And sometimes I do feel that way. Other times...I feel...like..."whatever." Like I could care less. I suppose that's normal, even expected. After all, I'm only human. But I feel like there's nothing I can do at this point. I've done everything I can to be happy. And I am. But I know I can be happier.
I still feel slightly stressed from time to time. Recently I found out that I'll only have completed 3 units for the entire summer since there's only ONE session at RCC, not TWO like I had thought. I guess I frustrate myself. Well, I don't guess. I know. I'm taking public speaking and it's a cool class. I enjoy it. I have an informative speech due Wednesday and I haven't gotten started on it. Procrastination should be my middle name. But I'm not worried about it, I have the whole weekend to write my outline and tweak it a bit before next week. I also realized I'm bogus behind in units to be able to transfer to Fullerton in the Fall of 2010. So I guess it's Spring or nothing. "Poor planning makes for piss poor performance." It's a quote my dad always tells me, one he learned in the military. It seems I can never adhere to it. I really should. I wish changing yourself could be easier, like using a cheat code in the Sims...but trust me, it is near impossible in real life, as I'm sure you know or can imagine. People make it out to seem easy as lemon squeezy. "If you really want to change, you will." "If you don't try, you won't." What if you really want to and you've really tried? "You're not trying hard enough, just keep trying harder. You have to try harder." Well, I'm tired of trying. "Don't give up." I'm not giving up. I'm acknowledging the fact that I'm tired.
Am I in denial? Or are they nuts?
I'm not sure. It seems every time I try to plan something out, something goes wrong. Either way I do it, I get the same result: problems. But, there's no such thing as perfection. Still, I'm tired of these problems cropping up every time I try to do something "right." It always ends up being "I should have." I should have made sure if there were two sessions of summer school versus just one. I should have taken more classes. I should have studied more. I shouldn't have said that to so and so. I shouldn't have acted that way....A world of minor regret starts to push you to the edge. A breaking point. That point where it simply gets under your skin enough to make you feel like giving up. But then you smack yourself and say, what I am I doing? This is life. This is reality. This is how life really is. And you move on. You keep living. Things won't always work out the way I want them to, no matter how much I want them to or how much I try to make it work out that way. It doesn't have to do with "You didn't try hard enough." Because the truth is, I don't have control over my future. My actions, yes. Maybe I could attribute somewhat to what will happen, where I'll go. But the rest...I have no control over. This doesn't mean I discount "trying." I simply encourage "doing." I've admired the people who "do" versus those who "try." I think the same can be said of everyone. But, what people tend to overlook is the fact that those who "try" might simply be unlucky. And that's okay. Being unlucky you have no control over. It's unfair that people admire the doers over the tryers. But it makes sense, naturally. To do is to succeed. To try is to fail. I think the big picture, for me, is to come to terms with "failing." I've been really lucky all my life. More like blessed. But I need to come to terms with things not working out the way I want, the way I wish they would.
It's a life lesson I need to learn.