Well, too much has happened since I last updated my blog. Among the greatest: I got accepted into CSUSB, I got a job at AMC theaters, and I'm joining the Air Force ROTC at my school. Among the lowest: I broke up with Daniel (temporarily) and though I have Daniel I'm lonely.
Loneliness. It makes you sad. Not to say that I'm depressed or anything, but at times I do get sad. Today is Thanksgiving and I had a good time with my parents. We ordered food from Claim Jumper (they have this Thanksgiving special), watched football and a movie and pigged out. It was a pleasant day. But now that it's over (for at least our family) I got to thinking about what I had planned for the upcoming week.
Work. Check. School. Check.
It's tough having nothing planned with friends, even my own boyfriend I have to schedule to see because of work and such.
Nowadays its become increasingly hard to plan anything with anyone. And I really hate to have to plan to see my friends and my boyfriend.
But such is life. You have to accept it.
And I hate that too.
I miss my social life. Even the social life I had last year. Friends make such a huge difference. I feel like I should move into the dorms at school just so I could have that experience all over again. I miss having a roomie. I miss seeing my floormates every morning. I miss never having to be alone.
I know I've been saying I hate things a lot...but I hate being alone now. Before I kind of enjoyed it. But now I really despise it.
Anyway...I'm at a loss when it comes to loneliness. It's just going to sit in the pit of my stomach until...well...until it goes away I guess. We'll see if anything decides to change.
Other than that, which I think is one of the biggest feelings I have right now, I've been thinking a lot lately (thanks loneliness). About a number of things; my relationship, my future, friends, my future career, etc.
With my relationship...ever since Daniel and I broke up...it just seems that our break up is this big, gray, over looming cloud. Even though nothing's wrong right now (say I'm bright as the sun) this huge cloud decides to show up and say something like, "Hey, remember this!" and cast doubts on my relationship. Okay, I know that's a horribly put analogy, but I mean the memory of our break up haunts me. It's dramatic but unfortunately I feel it's true. I said something that I was absolutely sure of at the time of our break up. "I don't feel the same way about you anymore" meaning "I don't love you anymore." Yes, it got that bad. And I asked if he felt the same and he agreed. I guess my mind is afraid that all of that could happen again, that even though we patched up our relationship and it's fine now, that deep inside we might harbor those same feelings. All I know for sure is that things are different. Ever since about a month before we broke up, things have been very different. Horribly different at first, but now...I'm not sure what kind of different it is. I really miss the old us, how we used to be. More, how he used to be with me, really. Now...I know he cares about me, loves me. But...just not how he used to. And when I dwell upon that, I can't help but get sad. But I try not to. This leads me to my next point. I don't know where my relationship is headed (and I've never known) but before I was always sure of it going in the "right direction" (wherever that lead) or down a positive path. Now I just feel that I'm waiting to break up again. Is this how it feels when you break up and get back together? Perhaps with some. But I don't think this is how it should feel. I don't think it should feel as it did back in the old days but I definitely feel it should be similar. I shouldn't be thinking that we're going to eventually break up again and that's that. I don't want to think that. Because how can you have a healthy relationship when you're just waiting for it to end? I really need to get out of this mentality.
Off note, considering my future. I've been thinking a lot about marriage. I really want to get married (and hold on, I'm not saying to Daniel or anything like that so don't get all crazy). But it's very true. I've always wanted to get married, but now it's becoming a stronger and more prominent thought. I just want to find that person, for us to be absolutely in love and in sync and start our family, dammit!
I wish it worked like that...but by golly. Who knows when that will happen.
About my friends. I feel so out of touch with them even though I know when we all get back together it will be like no time passed at all. Except that it has. What are we going to talk about besides what's been going on in our own individual lives? I just miss them. I miss talking about things that we experienced together. Not apart.
My future career...English teacher. I'm pretty set on it, I'm already taking classes and I honestly feel snug in my choice. I look forward to having a professional job, though God knows it's going to be a challenge getting one in this economy.