So, wow, 2010. Just typing that down is hard. I honestly can't believe it's the year 2010. It seems far too futuristic, and yet, here I am on a Dell PC writing these thoughts in what is called a "blog." Microsoft Word hasn't even recognized it as an actual word. Looking back on the last decade, I can't even begin to write down how much has happened, how much has changed. This past year alone has been jam-full of change. It's mind-boggling to realize that just one year of life can shift so drastically for the individual. And for the world. 2009 was a tough year for America. And therefore for me as well. But besides the semi-depression it was a tough year personally. I won't get so much into that because my entire blog goes into it at least a dozen times. But with that in mind, I'm really looking forward to starting a new year off fresh. Well, as fresh as possible seeing as it got a little muddled at the very start. I'm still coping with losing Daniel. The Daniel I knew and loved. Recently, I've made a few regrets in regards to him. Basically, the "friends with benefits" thing instead of helping me (which was my initial theory) completely bitch-slapped the fuck out of me. It wasn't my intention for my old feelings to rise up and scream out in desperation. It was my intention to realize that my old feelings were dead and that doing intimate things and feeling nothing would solidify my theory. But something unexpected happened - in those moments of pure intimate bliss I was with the person I had loved most and missed every day. The first time it happened, I was completely confused. One, what was I doing? And two, what was I feeling? I had to try it again to make sure. And then....
After awhile I started building up hope. It wasn't just me who was feeling this, was it? I knew it wasn't. Then...maybe...? I battled with myself constantly. I never made advances towards Daniel. He was always the first to do something - like always. But he supposedly knew me. He knew I wouldn't have casual intimacy with someone I had no feelings for - even someone I did! Surely...there was a chance. A chance to make things right again. But, as I found out on New Year's, there wasn't. I can't express the filthiness I felt for doing the things I did - I felt used. I felt foolish. Stupid. And I was. But I'm glad it happened because now I couldn't be more over it. I'm honestly glad it did happen. I just regret the way in which I had to finally get the picture. And I'm sorry that the way I look at Daniel now is forever different. I know we can be really good friends but I don't know if I can ever forgive him or myself for what transpired. In this, I know time is a factor.
That's the biggest thing that has happened so far this year. And it was a huge deal. The way I see 2010 - it's all going to be downhill from here. I don't think anything this year will be so hard as the lesson I recently learned.
I also have to mention that I've been hanging out with Josh a lot lately. I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not since I'm not sure if he still likes me or not - hoping not - but I can't say it isn't a blast to hang out. I'm just going to roll with the punches on this one and hope for the best but I'll be updating about this most likely.
In addition, I'm at school at the moment. Bored out of my mind. I have a three hour break between classes on Mondays and a five hour break on Wednesdays. Lord help me. I'm taking five classes. The first of which is Intro to Sociology. Which, so far, looks dreadful. The second is Kinesiology (which is a requirement here at CSUSB) and I have no idea how that will go. Next is English 311, which is all about the English language and phonetics. I know this is going to be my favorite class already. The fourth is Math 80 (because I am inept at anything involving numbers) and lastly Aerospace Studies (which is for the ROTC.) I'll probably report on my ROTC class later on. I have no clue what to expect.