Sunday, February 21, 2010

I wonder.

I want to say that what I'm writing about will probably be of little to no importance to me in the upcoming weeks seeing as I'm on a up/down hill emotionally. But once I get down low again, I won't have to write down why. I'm terribly sorry to have to write another downer of a blog - I always think it's over when it isn't.

I'm sitting in my parents' room listening to "Heaven's on Fire" by The Radio Dept.

I'm sad tonight.

I've been doing pretty well these past few weeks. I've been getting by, being productive. But tonight, like many nights before it, I'm sad.

Tonight, out of nowhere, emotions flooded me. I saw The Vagina Monologues with a close friend, Tina. And it was great. Honestly great. Funny, strange, meaningful, important. I had a good time. But as soon as I got home I was bombarded by loneliness. A feeling I know too well. Tonight I thought of Daniel. For no reason really. I just did. And it made me so sad. Even now I have tears welling in my eyes. A couple days ago I was thinking of the age-old question, "Can men and women be friends?" I was thinking about it long and thoughfully and I came to the conclusion that they could, so long as both of them were single and neither of them liked each other. So, in essence, yes. But in the long run, no. As soon as you get into a relationship with another person your friendship with the opposite sex is gnawed down to a pathetic version of what it used to be. Like it or not, chances are your significant other isn't going to like that you're best friends with a boy (or girl.) It's just not going to fly with them, so much is jealousy. And you'll make a decision. And that decision will be to cut down on your friendship for the sake of your significant other. And after can fill in the blanks.

It's a sad thing and I know I have people who disagree with me, but I honestly don't think it's possible to be best friends with a boy forever (unless you become more than that.) Naturally, I thought of Daniel while contemplating all this.

It's funny because just a few days later...I don't even know if I want to be friends with him at all. I often have these thoughts however. Of just cutting Daniel out of my life altogether. Why you ask? Well, because he hurt me. Terribly. And, to tell you the absolute truth, I don't really think he cares. Cares that he hurt me or cares if we were to remain friends. He never apologized to my face. I waited for him to, but he never did. This leads me to believe that he either thinks I'm stupid for feeling the way I do or simply doesn't care. I really wonder if he ever knew me at all. If he ever loved me even just a little. I mean, really did. There's a difference between liking someone a lot and loving someone. I sometimes think he never did. I think that if you truly love someone you would never give up on them. And I wasn't the one who gave up. That much I'm sure of. He gave up on me first. He told me that when he told me he stopped doing romantic things because it seemed I didn't appreciated them. It "seemed." That just killed me. There's so many things he told me that hurt me to the point where I was choking out sobs, crying so hard it shook my whole body. I've woken up with my pillow completely soaked. I've cried myself to sleep in front of him. Embarrassed myself beyond compare besides that, acting like a complete fool while he just took from me, only thinking of himself. He was the first person to ever make me truly regret anything. When I told him I still felt for him, wanted to be with him, and he told me that we were not a good match, not a good pair, it was like a hard slap to the face. How could he say that after all that we went through? That we weren't a "good match" like we had never loved each other, shared first experiences with each other, gone through hard times, difficulties, arguments, heartbreak, joy, like I'd only known him for a couple hours and we'd went on a date and it was the end of the night and that it hadn't gone well and that was his response. He'd said it so....

Carelessly. Like a shrug - I even thought I heard pity as he tried to "comfort" me the night I cried myself to sleep in front of him. That just showed me so much. It broke me. This person...that I had so much high esteem for and so much love for...was now...dead.

Before this, after we broke up the first time, and he held my hand the next day I was flooded with a feeling so strong I had tears in my eyes. I thought he cared. Cared enough to give us another try. But I was wrong, like I tend to be. By the end of the month, he had stopped trying. Indeed, never started. He was like a breathing doll. Just stiff. Unloving to the point that it made me weep, so distant, so cold. Which is why I broke up with him again and felt liberated. I thought, "Yes! Now we can be the way we used to be again - just separated!"

How naive of me. We've both changed. We can't go back to how we were.

It makes me sad to know that he never saw that I tried. That after my fatal mistake at that stupid Angel's game where I was being childish and stupid, he would never forgive me for it, never let me make up for it. I wrote a letter after we went to Knott's for Halloween Haunt telling him how sad he'd made me, though I never gave it to him because I thought things would get better. I was literally out of place with all his AMC friends and he pushed me aside like a nuisance. I really tried my best to be what he wanted. I held his hand all the time, even when I got squished out by him when he talked to Aaron and I was literally tripping over my shoes so as not to step on his. I tried to hold him, make him see that I cared, that I was sorry...but it wasn't enough. After that was like...

That game combined with that seemed to be the final straw. Of course, I know that what I did was wrong at the game - especially since my excuses were that I was PMSing and hated the fact that he was texting while he was with me. I should have told him. I know that. I'm not perfect. Nowhere near it in fact. And I'll never be perfect. I'm nineteen. I'm still learning. I'm still, though I hate it, more of a little girl than a grown woman.

I wonder if he knows just how much I loved him, what I would've done for him. How much of me is broken because of him. I wonder if he knows how much damage he's done. What I think of him now. I wonder if he knows how I feel. I wonder if he knows why I gave him back everything he gave me, how much it kills me.

I wonder if he ever thinks about me. I wonder if he has thoughts like this. I wonder if he misses me sometimes. I wonder if he's already moved on, already talking to other girls, flirting, dating, no second glances - this I don't really wonder, I gave him ample reason for moving on quickly. I wonder if he has regrets. I wonder if he's truly happy. I wonder if he understands. I wonder if he cares.

I wonder if he cares.

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