Yesterday was Valentine's Day. And not just ANY Valentine's Day. My first Valentine's Day being single in almost FIVE YEARS. Thinking about it makes me want to go ker-plock. Being single is something that I desparately need. It's just a shame that I don't very much like it. Oh, I hated it at first. But now, I'm getting used to it. This I was expecting. Being single is liberating to me in a way. No attachments, no need to text so and so or call whatshisname or even allow yourself to wonder what they're doing or who they're with (not to mention the heartbreak of it all if things are going wrong.) It's all about you. Me. Me. Me.
At the same time, I don't really like having everything be about me. Being single gives you the time (wanted or not) to focus on yourself. This is never a bad thing, but...
I like focusing on other people more than me. Does that sound odd? I've always liked being apart of someone elses life and being genuinely important to them (like I'm assuming a lot of people might.) I like feeling needed and wanted, knowing that I make a difference by being involved in others' lives. I want to be of use to people. This DOESN'T mean I let people use me mind you. Instead I'm saying more selfishly, I like to be the antidote to people's problems. OKAY, not the antidote, but at least a painkiller.
Having a boyfriend...well, among other things, I believe that your boyfriend, or instead, significant other, should be (or become) your best friend. Being there for your friends is one thing. One VERY big thing. But being there for your significant other is just as big. If they're going through a hard time, it's your job to make it better (I'm not saying fix it, though if it is something easily solveable then why not?) Like all good friends, I'm the kind of person who very much wants to help even if just a little. Where I'm going with all this is that I want someone that I can take care of. Look after. I want to be there for someone even if nothing "bad" is going on. To give them the comfort that, like a good neighbor, Grace is there. I have a handful of close friends that I try my best with doing this...but I guess what I'm saying is that I want someone special to look after (not saying that my friends aren't) but someone I can have a romantic relationship with.
Despite wanting this, I'm a walking contradicton. I know that being single and having time to myself is something I truly do need. Just realizing the fact that I haven't been single in five years - minus two months or so - is RIDICULOUS. I've been in only two relationships and they've spanned a total of five years. I'm almost twenty. Ever since I was fifteen I've been deemed "taken." I don't think it's healthy. The last thing I want is to be that person who can't NOT be in a relationship. That "needs" to be in one. Because I don't. No one does. Sure, I won't lie and say I don't WANT a relationship because I do. But I don't want one now. AND I don't NEED one now. I feel like having this time alone will allow me to grow as a person, individually. To experience life on my own for once. I'm becomming, dare I say it, a woman. I am most assuredly not more woman than girl (my immaturity is something that will never fade) but I am more my own person than ever before. I feel that being single will only better me, prepare me. That when I'm ready to take the plunge into another relationship, I won't hesitate or be cautious. I'll be able to be confident no matter what the outcome. Because I've done it before. I've been alone.
About a month or so ago I was dreading Valentine's Day. I thought it was going to be horrible, lonely, and sad. But it wasn't any of those things. And I don't know why I let a stupid day like yesterday set me up for that kind of thinking. A day made "special" by corporations. Yesterday was just like any other day. Besides, why should love be celebrated one day out of the year? It should be celebrated everyday. In a relationship or not. Valentine's Day is just a silly "holiday." I'm not condemning celebrating it but I am promoting that love, the ONLY true and sure thing in this universe deserves more than a shoddy, cheesy day to be celebrated. Celebrate love everyday and always remember that it is prevalent in your life.