As you already know from my last entry, Daniel and I are no longer one. And even though I know it's best that we aren't together, is it wrong to say that I miss him so much still?
I don't think so.
But I really wish I didn't. It just makes things that much harder. I know I'm not missing friend-Daniel. If I didn't see him for a few days I would be relatively unfazed. Seeing friend-Daniel is seeing the shell of the person I used to be in love with, the person who used to be in love with me. He has his hair, his eyes, his nose, his smile and laugh, his personality, even his heart. But he's not the Daniel I love. I know that I'm missing the person who used to be in love with me. And even though that Daniel is long gone...I still miss him. A person who, essentially, no longer exists. I've been missing him for months....
When will it stop? I honestly at times can't take it...everything we were, gone. In what seemed like a blink of an eye...it all vanished....
I hate that I remember everything. I wish I would forget it all sometimes. To just forget that I ever loved someone so entirely, that I ever gave my all....
I want to start over. I'm not ready to. But God damn it, I want to. I want to start over and get it right next time. No more of this...I'm so tired of being in a relationship that lasts so long only for it to dissolve into nothing but friendship. I'm tired of this bullshit! I can't stand it. Now more than ever do I know what I want in a relationship: A relationship that lasts. And not just for a few years. A relationship that lasts a lifetime. To be clear, I'm not going to go out searching for this person, or rather, a commitment or love. And to be honest, I don't think I'll be able to go out with anyone for a long time. This relationship was such a failure...no...such a heartbreak. I'm tired of breaking hearts and having mine broken. It hurts so much....
I'm hurting. Not because I broke up with Daniel, because I'm actually happy we did, happy we can start to move on and stop the hurting, finally. I've been hurting for so long, for months. I so wanted our relationship to work...and for whatever reason it failed. And the most frustrating and heartrending part of all is that I don't know exactly why it failed. All I know is that it's because of me. All I can say is that I don't believe there's a reason for everything. But for us not working...there has to be. And the reason is out there....
But for now I mourn a loss...a loss so deep I am compelled to an emotion I can't even name.
Say these words slowly out loud:
And it's my fault.
And that's why I cry.
I cry so much.