Monday, November 29, 2010


I'm the kind of person who always needs a plan. If a plan doesn't work out, I just make up another one to take its place. However, one plan has become unfurled and I can't conjure up another plan to take its place - for once. This defeated plan has been taking a toll on me. That plan...

I'm twenty years old. Everyone (namely my girlfriends, even though a large amount of my guyfriends do too) have a significant other (not all but more and more are snagging them) and are involved in "serious relationships" - living together, yadayadayada. That was supposed to be me! Would be me if occurences hadn't decided to (thankfully) occur. I feel that's why I'm so in limbo, because I don't have that security blanket that ensures that one day I too will get married and have a family - "the ultimate plan." I saw my old friend Kaelyn over break and she told Caitie and I that we had to attend her wedding to which we replied "Duh!" even though it was going to be in the far off future. Isn't that what I'm supposed to be saying too? And even though Caitie isn't so adament about her and Loyd I'm 98% positive that they'll end up getting married and having really cute Costa Rican/white babies.

My life is going off its "main track": graduating from high school, going to college, graduating from college, landing a career, having a family....well, I guess I still have two more steps to go before I actually have to start worrying.

Talking with Josh about all this made me feel a smidgen better. He thinks I'm crazy, basically. But he's a boy. I feel this is a girl issue. I mean, I don't really want my plan to work right now. Meaning I don't want a relationship. But I'm upset about it. What the hell?

Alright, I need to go back to studying.


  1. Grace, I must say you remind me of myself so often in your blogs....and now that I am 25,unemployed & a single mother, I am finally almost completely o.k. with the fact that things don't go as planned. I was supposed to be married by now if things had gone the way I "planned" but life has taught me that plans just don't work. It's not like you can stop trying to plan things out...I mean, I feel we have to plan ahead even if it's extremely short term but we can't be mad when things don't work out. All you can do is deal as best you can with the things life throws at you now. You are growing up and you are going to continue to learn so much the next couple years about yourself and the world around you that you'll look back to when you wrote this blog and laugh just like you did with your old blogs from myspace.

    You know the original reason Rigo & I argued before ultimately splitting up per his decision was because I wanted to know that I wasn't wasting any time being with him? I wanted assurance that we were going to end up married & do all the things we had planned for ourselves. He'd get the job he always wanted and I'd still be in school to become a dr or PA at least but we'd be together and happy...with our floor plan even drawn up (by him) for our "future home".

    I knew how I wanted my life to go & wanted him in my future for good....but he didn't want that so here I am now. After we split up things just went sideways for me & I did what I could to keep moving forward and Im still trying but I look back now and see how we were back then vs. how we are now (even prior to me having madison) and we are soooo different. Im not sure we would have lasted to this day. So maybe things happen for a reason...and maybe they don't but as much as you want your life to go one way you have to keep in mind that very rarely will it go that way. Certain things like a career you can def. control but most other details in life and what we want out of it is kinda just a surprise.

    Be patient :)

  2. Wow, Paloma. All I can say is THANK YOU so much for your response. It really brings me great comfort to know that you know exactly what I'm going through - I honestly seem to be the only person right now who feels the way I do! I feel like the "odd man out," at least out of my friends. I may be nosy but I always did wonder why you and Rigo broke up; I understand you so much. I feel like that's how I approach relationships - just because both of mine have been so long-term and "serious." I'm looking for "The One" but it seems like "The One" should just naturally come to me. I guess that's why I'm afraid to date, well at least one of the reasons. I don't want to be let down/disappointed again. My last disappointment had me fighting the hardest I've EVER had to just to stand back up - to just take baby steps. I learned the hard lesson of "moving on" from someone you were truly in love with...but, you know, I feel like I can take on anything now because of it. Still, I am scared of getting hurt the way I did because I honestly NEVER saw it coming. But I know you're so right about being patient...I just wish with all my might I was even a TAD BIT patient...but I won't go rushing into things. That much I know.