Thursday, February 10, 2011

Can't sleep...AGAIN.

I'm in such an odd mood. At this VERY moment I really wish I had a boyfriend. I know this feeling will disappear by the time I wake up...but...right now, just for an hour or two, I wish I was in love. I miss feeling stupidly happy - drunk - over someone. I miss having someone who feels the same about me. As conceited as it sounds, I could easily have someone be in love with me if I wanted (but couldn't anybody really?) - I just wish I could feel the same.

I made my best friend Caitie a Valentine's Day card today. This will be my second year not having a Valentine, and it REALLY doesn't bother me since I think Valentine's Day is a corporate-controlled holiday as I explained last year...but alas, it is celebrated by couples. And, right now, I wish I had another half.

99.9% of the time I don't want a boyfriend - because I'm afraid to fall in love. But I'm beginning to realize - why the hell not fall in love? I might fall in love a dozen times before I find "The One" for me. It's just going to help me in the long run. I don't know but this feeling might be one step in the right direction.

Still. I realize that falling in love - while easy - is only possible with the right person. Finding that person will always be the hard part. As this feeling is beginning to wane, maybe later I'll start opening my eyes to the possibility that - eventually - I'll want a relationship. Because waiting until I'm thirty doesn't seem possible at the moment. To add, being in a relationship doesn't mean I'll fall in love with whoever I happen to be with (at all). I've only had two. It may be time to try expanding that list and experiencing new personas. Then again, the fear of hurting others is a different story.

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