Helpless.

I think feeling helpless has to be one of the worst emotions one can feel. Right now, that's how I feel. When something bad happens to a person I care a lot about, something I can do nothing about, I feel and am utterly helpless. I've grown very attached to my roommate Danielle, and one reason I don't want to leave this school is because I know we'll start to drift apart. I'm not being pessimistic, I'm simply being realistic. We both acknowledge this, and we both acknowledge that we are sad about it. But we also acknowledge that these past few months have created a quick yet powerful bond we will never forget. I'll always remember my roommate of my freshmen year in college and how much we hit it off. The late night talks, the complaints, the adventures, the midnight munchies. However, right now, I feel helpless. And since she is one of my closest friends, I feel saddened.

Relationships...my, my, my. When they take a turn for the worse, nothing can make it better. Absolutely nothing. Ain't it a crazy thing. Well, I don't know what's going to happen between her and Aaron...I don't know if she should break up with him now and start the healing process or if she should wait it out another year. It reminds me a lot of when Caitie was here. Every other day being another fight, another night of tears....

I wish I could help. But I know that I can't.

Amazing Grace.

It may seem cliche, it may seem boring, but "Amazing Grace" is my favorite song of all time (and no, not because it includes my name, though that's a plus) before "Pie Jesu." It is one of the only songs that can make goosebumps run up and down my spine, the ONLY one that can make me close my eyes and get lost in its power (without even realizing it). And, of course, it's going to be played at my funeral (along with "Bridge Over Troubled Water"), but not just the instrumental version (bagpipes, naturally), also the vocal (which I'm undecided about). I'm very particular when it comes to the vocal renditions of "Amazing Grace," and only the best get my stamp of approval. I think "Amazing Grace" has the most renditions of any song out there. You really need to get into this song when you're singing it, and I can't get over how powerful it is. I guess another reason I'm so fond of it is because it's apart of my childhood, and beliefs. My dad used to hum the melody to me when he'd tuck me in at night as a little girl, stroking my hair until I fell asleep. He'd sing it around the house in his booming yet gentle voice, cooking breakfast or ironing his uniform, getting ready for work as I sat at the table with a bowl of cereal and a side of my dad's infamous peanut butter and banana sandwiches. I remember going to, ironic enough, Grace Church, where I heard it sung in Korean, people lifting their hands, the smell of spicy kimchi and steamy, sticky rice intermingling with conjoined voices, my mom standing and singing with her eyes closed. I remember hearing it sung in Spanish ("Sublime Gracia" sounds a lot cooler) when I'd visit Agape Church in Tijuana, sitting outside in the dirt coloring with local kids. It holds meaning for me. You could even say it's very important to me.

I simply wanted to make note of this song because it randomly played on my Zune just recently (the Sumi Jo version).

Sunlight.

Yesterday was my one year with Daniel, and though it probably wasn't altogether fulfilling for him, I feel happy - and an even better word meaning the same thing - content. We split a large pizza with mushrooms, pineapples, and sausage - and I'm still feeling the side-effects. I am stuffed, hours after the pizza guzzling. The gifts I got him were a futuristic, NASA-inspired ant farm to keep its ant inhabitants thriving without the need for food or water (he liked this), a handmade card (that took forever and was very laborious), and a tape recording (since he prefers hearing things versus reading things). He gave me another Woot shirt, which I'm beginning to realize is a trend, which I really like; it has two fish swimming upstream on one side (I'm the red one and he's the blue one) and he also gave me a really cool old-looking box with a weird Cubix-like toy shaped into a heart inside, surrounded by rose peddles. Reflecting back on it, I realize we're huge nerds. But I really liked my gifts, now I'm simply waiting for my letter and a few other things he got me, which I'm assuming I'll get once I come home. In his words, he's lagging it. Which is fine since I'm lagging it with his mixed CD. I only wish he could have stayed...alas, it was not to be. His car, a Nissan of course, broke down multiple times while he was here. Him driving home was...scary to think about. But he made it. Thank the Lord. Santa Barbara really doesn't like him...or his car.

It seems like this past year flew by in the blink of an eye, and yet, when you really think about it, so, so, incredibly slowly. Like when you think about being ten and realize how fast time flies, except now the memories are fresh and it seems like that year seemed to just drag on and on and on. I know I'll have those same feelings of this year for the rest of my life - of it just dragging on and on and on. I remember the times where I thought the school year would never come to an end, and I'd feel like balling until I couldn't produce any more tears. Good thing those days are behind me because I wouldn't be able to handle any more of them. I'm finally leaving this dreadful school to be reunited with my one true love and family and real people, not identical clones. I've never been more excited for anything in my life. And that's saying a lot.

Destination: Fontana
Allotted time: 12 days

Take Me Away.

I just might have an anger management problem...or at least developed one while here. Today, after my women's studies class, I got on my bike and started riding back to my dorm. In front of me, not too far away, was a girl (also in my women's studies class) who is a bit heavyset and rides a scooter around school. I call her Scooter Girl. Since we were in IV, or douchebag central, there were a surplus of cars; it's almost like playing a game of Frogger - except you don't have unlimited lives to spare. I was passing her up when the car who had been making its way down the street rolled their window down and started laughing at her - directly at her....

I can't even...I really can't even express how much...complete and utter disgust I felt....

I was so pissed off. So...angry. I started yelling at them...and I honestly don't know what I said...and then I chased them on my bike, their laughs directed towards me now. I must have looked crazy...in fact, I think I did go a little crazy.

I'm getting really scared...staying here is...I really don't think it's good for me, mentally. I just lost it today. If they would've gotten out of their cars...I really think that I would have tried to fight them...

What is happening to me?

What is wrong with people? Why do they have to be such assholes? How could you keep laughing after you saw that girl's face? How much more damage have you done to her insecurity at this Goddamn all-about-looks-school by doing that? Why are people...

...I can't even find the words. They don't exist.

Title and Registration.

I had the most awkward phone conversation with my boyfriend not too long ago. Not the kind where there are some moments or even minutes of silence, but of uncomfortable and completely awkward silence. Comfortable silence I like, but when there's uncomfortable silence....Let's just say it got under my skin, and lead to a floodgate.

I feel...aggravated. This always happens once I come back to Santa Barbara. ALWAYS. We get into these...tiffs. Grace has less than a month left here, so let's try and fit in as many relationship upsets as possible before then. Today's game plan? How about an awkward/annoying conversation?

I just feel like screaming, "COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!! Come on!!!" and shaking my fists and slamming them into something nice and unbreakable.

I mean, c'mon, really? You kiddin' me?

It isn't really the awkward/annoying conversation that bothers me (though the uncomfortable silence does to some extent), it's more the accumulation of all these tiffs we've had since my being here. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. But Coldplay got it right when they sang, "Nobody ever said it would be this hard." I've cried. A lot. And that pisses me off. Because I hate it, another reminder that I no longer have control over myself. But it pisses me off a million times more because I get so incredibly sad I can't do anything - literally. I'm more than happy about coming home, being reunited and starting things off the way they should have been, but I'm also extremely apprehensive. I'm scared shitless, actually.

I look at couples I know. Some are even farther apart than Daniel and I and have hardly gotten into tiffs (by "tiffs" I mean stupid arguments) since being here. They're those couples that you look at and you know that they're going to end up together indefinitely. Now, that's not what I'm asking for. But it makes me wonder...what is it about our relationship that makes us get into so many tiffs? If distance is the factor, why isn't it for those couples? Are we faulty?....

Every time we get upset at each other it makes me question these things. I know that stupid arguments are unavoidable and even necessary at times, but this many?...No. Why can't we handle it? Is it that I can't, or that he can't even more? Is it an imbalance? I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. I hate it. When I go home, will everything really be okay? What if we realize, no, this isn't going to work. This whole year...all that hardship...only to find out that everything's changed?

Will I be learning another lesson?

I'll be playing "Title and Registration" until I fall asleep.

Nyc.

"Nyc" by Interpol has been my song of choice for the past week and a half now. My second favorite song by Interpol I decided, next to "Public Pervert" (remixed version cannot be replaced). This song gets me in the mood to travel, and I'm finding myself missing the city. By that I mean I'm missing The Big Apple, New York City. There's something so...magical about it. So exciting. You can never be bored, there's always something to do. It's so culturally diverse, you find yourself swimming in its ethnic stew as soon as you step off the plane. It's dangerous, it's a thrill. I haven't been to New York since my sophomore year, and only once before when I was eleven. Both times I stayed a week. I've only been in New York for two weeks total. More than most people, less than a lot of people. They say if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere. This I believe wholeheartedly. I miss the excitement that city produced within me. It's so big, so daunting, so...alive.

The city is alive.

That's the best way to describe it. In a way so much more spectacular than Los Angeles, so much more "classy." Don't get me wrong, I love L.A. I love Los Angeles like a cholo who has its initials inked on his back, but I love NYC indefinitely more. Right now, that's where I wish I was - out at a corner cafe, sipping coffee, staring out at the lights that, despite its example of wasteful energy, provide breathtaking man-made scenery. So there is something we can (somewhat) do right.

More than that, I wish I were in New York with the people I miss the most. My best friends, my boyfriend. Imagine the fun we'd have.

I smile just thinking about it, because that's all I can do. But I smile more because maybe, just maybe, one day it will happen.

I came back to Santa Barbara this morning after spending Mother's Day weekend at home. It's terrible because I'm actually getting used to coming back, it's still difficult, but now that the end of the year is approaching the sadness lasted only seconds. I'll be back home very soon. In fact, in less than a month. As for what I did this weekend, nothing too explosive, though thoroughly enjoyable.

On Saturday my boyfriend and I saw the movies Star Trek and Earth. I'm not going to talk about Earth because, quite frankly, it's not worth it. But I will happily talk about Star Trek. What a pleasant, pleasant surprise that movie turned out to be. I was expecting the worst (as I usually do), figuring Abrams wouldn't be able to execute the brilliant fantasy that is Star Trek as well as Lucas did with the first four Star Wars films (yes, I just included Star Trek and Star Wars in one sentence AND I compared them), but, like I sometimes am, I was enjoyably wrong. So much so that I highly recommend everyone see it if they're looking for a good time. It has the right amount of action, a fun plot, and the original Spock makes an appearance - how much more do you want from a fantasy film? It's just an all-around fun movie. I'm not saying it's groundbreaking, but they did outdo themselves I must admit. "Two thumbs up!" I predict.

Other than a movie, I spent Mother's Day lunching on chachamyung, or brown noodles, which is simply a bowl of noodles mixed with special brown sauce (usually includes onions and thin, vertical cucumber slices for an added crunch, with bits of marinated meat) - one word: Delicious! We also shared sweet, fried shrimp and a big bowl of rice. Afterward, we went to Handel's (BEST ice cream on the west coast if I do say so myself) where we shared Banana Cream Pie ice cream in a waffle cone for $4 (we couldn't even finish it). Conveniently, there was a little spa about three stores down from Handel's and we had ourselves a pedicure, her choice of color being red and mine being pearly white. It was a fun day having my mom lovingly lecture me about anything and everything - I didn't mind, I missed the woman incredibly. And I could tell she missed me by how much she lectured me. Our own way of expressing deep emotion. I just wish I had executed the holiday a bit better...my dad always outshines me in the gift department - he bought her flowers AND gave her money! I thought I was the one who was supposed to do the gift-buying? Alas, I do feel bad. I had a shipment order I told my mom to look out for and I stupidly forgot that that upcoming weekend was Mother's Day. She thought it was for her. It must have been slightly upsetting when I tore open the box only to reveal the gifts I had gotten Guido for his birthday - I don't think sometimes. How do I know she was a little upset? She told me, and my dad. So, I guess he felt bad and bought her flowers to one-up me and gave us lunch money. At least her husband is thoughtful. I really need to think things through and not be as spontaneous so much; it's not always a good thing. I have poor planning when it comes to holidays, birthdays, etc. Particularly anniversaries. I only mention this because Daniel and I's one year is coming up, and I have all my ideas stored in my mind, but no way in which to execute them correctly. I really need to get started on that. I just see things, get a great idea, purchase, then rethink it and realize that, maybe, it wasn't such a "great" idea after all. I'll tell you how that goes, though.

But, anyway, Extravaganza '09 is coming up this weekend, May 16, and I'm getting a bit excited about it. Cold War Kids, Girl Talk, and The Cool Kids are among the top performers I want to see...even though Ludacris is the headliner of the event. Whatever, I like me some Luda, I'll get down and shake my money maker. I'm not sure if it's only for UCSB attendees or not, but if it turns out not to be I'll make a note of it. That's about it for today, I'm off to go to the gym and maybe watch Y Tu Mama Tambien with Joana, energy permitting.

How to Disappear Completely.

It was bound to happen eventually. The appearance of my first bad blog. Today has just been a horrible day. From last night to this morning. Radiohead, is there a way to disappear completely? Like those colorful particles that disappear when you close your eyes after they've flickered across its black canvas? I feel like doing that today. The whole entire day. Closing my eyes and concentrating on those lines of color and listening to that song, sinking myself into the fascinations staring at your own eyelids can conjure and marveling at the imagination. Today has worn me out. Emotionally, physically - any other -ally you can name - I've had enough. I want peace. To forget about everything, everyone in my life. I feel like talking to God today. And I'm such an asshole for it. The only time I ever do is when I feel like complete shit. For that, I am the most sorry of anything I have ever done or am to do. I keep telling myself everything is going to be okay. "I know everything will be okay" is my mantra. But I'm scared on the inside, deep down, I'm scared. I called CSU San Bernardino today about my admission, and I had to leave a message for a lady who sounded like she smoked a hundred packs of cigarettes a day. I called my boss who had a busy line. Yet again. I need to call again soon....Then my boyfriend told me he had dreams of physical and emotional infidelity. Again.

Why?

Right after a stress attack last night thanks to an over-analytical mind.

At this point I feel like throwing up my hands and giving up. Like I always do. But I know I won't. Because I can't. No matter how much I tell myself I'm going to, no matter how much I try...I can't. Me, myself, and I won't allow it.

How fucking frustrating.

I know that this is a good thing - believe me. But I wish I could trick myself into completely giving up for one day. At least one day. ONE DAY, GRACE. Please.

I wonder about my future more than my past or my present, a big contributor to my stress factor. I daydream too damn much. But now it isn't about flying or how it would be if I could actually sit on a cloud, looking down from my own sanctuary in the sky. Now it's about what I'm going to be doing in four or five years. Where I'll be living. If I'll be happy.

How dull.

I want to join the Peace Corps. because it will be an experience of a lifetime. I want to because I want to help and meet amazing people that will give light to the human race. I want to because it gives me something to look forward to. It gives me a comforting thought. It inspires me. It's my own little bubble of happiness. I want to because it will teach me something - something more valuable than anything I can think of. I'm going to join. One day. I'm going to. It might not be right after graduation, but I will be in a different country after I've graduated. You can count on that. I won't be here anymore.

"It's time that we grow old and do some shit."

"Lover's Spit" has got to be my favorite song by Feist (or at least cover by Feist, the song originally by Broken Social Scene). That's exactly what I'm aiming towards. I'm going to do some shit. Exactly.

I'm a restless soul. And I can never be satisfied except by a psalm or a prayer. What a comfort to have when all else fails. I know I have no tribulations, I'm not so vain as to think I do. There's only so much I can take, but I know He only gives you what you can handle.

So, I need to handle it. I'm off to take a walk with God.