I had the most awkward phone conversation with my boyfriend not too long ago. Not the kind where there are some moments or even minutes of silence, but of uncomfortable and completely awkward silence. Comfortable silence I like, but when there's uncomfortable silence....Let's just say it got under my skin, and lead to a floodgate.
I feel...aggravated. This always happens once I come back to Santa Barbara. ALWAYS. We get into these...tiffs. Grace has less than a month left here, so let's try and fit in as many relationship upsets as possible before then. Today's game plan? How about an awkward/annoying conversation?
I just feel like screaming, "COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!! Come on!!!" and shaking my fists and slamming them into something nice and unbreakable.
I mean, c'mon, really? You kiddin' me?
It isn't really the awkward/annoying conversation that bothers me (though the uncomfortable silence does to some extent), it's more the accumulation of all these tiffs we've had since my being here. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. But Coldplay got it right when they sang, "Nobody ever said it would be this hard." I've cried. A lot. And that pisses me off. Because I hate it, another reminder that I no longer have control over myself. But it pisses me off a million times more because I get so incredibly sad I can't do anything - literally. I'm more than happy about coming home, being reunited and starting things off the way they should have been, but I'm also extremely apprehensive. I'm scared shitless, actually.
I look at couples I know. Some are even farther apart than Daniel and I and have hardly gotten into tiffs (by "tiffs" I mean stupid arguments) since being here. They're those couples that you look at and you know that they're going to end up together indefinitely. Now, that's not what I'm asking for. But it makes me wonder...what is it about our relationship that makes us get into so many tiffs? If distance is the factor, why isn't it for those couples? Are we faulty?....
Every time we get upset at each other it makes me question these things. I know that stupid arguments are unavoidable and even necessary at times, but this many?...No. Why can't we handle it? Is it that I can't, or that he can't even more? Is it an imbalance? I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. I hate it. When I go home, will everything really be okay? What if we realize, no, this isn't going to work. This whole year...all that hardship...only to find out that everything's changed?
Will I be learning another lesson?
I'll be playing "Title and Registration" until I fall asleep.