Wednesday, May 6, 2009

How to Disappear Completely.

It was bound to happen eventually. The appearance of my first bad blog. Today has just been a horrible day. From last night to this morning. Radiohead, is there a way to disappear completely? Like those colorful particles that disappear when you close your eyes after they've flickered across its black canvas? I feel like doing that today. The whole entire day. Closing my eyes and concentrating on those lines of color and listening to that song, sinking myself into the fascinations staring at your own eyelids can conjure and marveling at the imagination. Today has worn me out. Emotionally, physically - any other -ally you can name - I've had enough. I want peace. To forget about everything, everyone in my life. I feel like talking to God today. And I'm such an asshole for it. The only time I ever do is when I feel like complete shit. For that, I am the most sorry of anything I have ever done or am to do. I keep telling myself everything is going to be okay. "I know everything will be okay" is my mantra. But I'm scared on the inside, deep down, I'm scared. I called CSU San Bernardino today about my admission, and I had to leave a message for a lady who sounded like she smoked a hundred packs of cigarettes a day. I called my boss who had a busy line. Yet again. I need to call again soon....Then my boyfriend told me he had dreams of physical and emotional infidelity. Again.


Right after a stress attack last night thanks to an over-analytical mind.

At this point I feel like throwing up my hands and giving up. Like I always do. But I know I won't. Because I can't. No matter how much I tell myself I'm going to, no matter how much I try...I can't. Me, myself, and I won't allow it.

How fucking frustrating.

I know that this is a good thing - believe me. But I wish I could trick myself into completely giving up for one day. At least one day. ONE DAY, GRACE. Please.

I wonder about my future more than my past or my present, a big contributor to my stress factor. I daydream too damn much. But now it isn't about flying or how it would be if I could actually sit on a cloud, looking down from my own sanctuary in the sky. Now it's about what I'm going to be doing in four or five years. Where I'll be living. If I'll be happy.

How dull.

I want to join the Peace Corps. because it will be an experience of a lifetime. I want to because I want to help and meet amazing people that will give light to the human race. I want to because it gives me something to look forward to. It gives me a comforting thought. It inspires me. It's my own little bubble of happiness. I want to because it will teach me something - something more valuable than anything I can think of. I'm going to join. One day. I'm going to. It might not be right after graduation, but I will be in a different country after I've graduated. You can count on that. I won't be here anymore.

"It's time that we grow old and do some shit."

"Lover's Spit" has got to be my favorite song by Feist (or at least cover by Feist, the song originally by Broken Social Scene). That's exactly what I'm aiming towards. I'm going to do some shit. Exactly.

I'm a restless soul. And I can never be satisfied except by a psalm or a prayer. What a comfort to have when all else fails. I know I have no tribulations, I'm not so vain as to think I do. There's only so much I can take, but I know He only gives you what you can handle.

So, I need to handle it. I'm off to take a walk with God.

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