Troublemaker.

Another night of no sleep. Insomnia is here to stay.

Listening to Weezer makes me want to jump around on my bed with music blasting. But I can't really do that right now, so I'm channeling my excess energy into blogging - while listening to Weezer.

Let's see, an odd thing happened tonight. After work I went with some friends to Jose's Tacos since they were hungry (and I wanted to freeload off their free and unlimited access to chips and salsa). While there, a dear friend, Obi, went to get a refill of Dr. Pepper. While filling his cup with ice I suppose he spotted a bat. Yes, the animal, flying around. He rushed back to the table to report what he saw. Naturally, we didn't believe him so we went to investigate ourselves. We didn't see anything at first, but then one of the employees pointed to a tiny black dot hanging onto a window curtain. Since it was nighttime I couldn't clearly make out the object, and I still had my doubts about it being a bat. But, after an employee threw a tortilla chip at it, it burst into flight and chased us back to our booth in fright (and some excitement). It's not everyday you find a bat flying around in a taco shop. Eventually, one of the employees smacked it with a broom and stunned it. It was actually all pretty funny (forgive us PETA for we have sinned).

Other than that, I finally decided on future girl names for my potential female children. Of this, I am very satisfied. You really start running out of things to think about when you're up on a lifeguard tower. So, I decided on two. The only thing is, I'd like to have two girls to use either of these names and since I can't really decide what sex my hoodlums will be or how many of each I'll have, I've come up with another name for a single girl. For two I've decided on Sophia (Sophie) and Olivia. I think both these names are extraordinarily adorable and suitable, and they just sound great together. For a single, I like Lily. It's also adorable. We'll see what happens with these names....

Sharing this, I'd like to show everyone how incredibly boring my job is. I often wonder what people think about at their jobs (because, let's get real, most jobs are ridiculously boring). I'd really like to know, so I'm going to make it my Question of the Week.

...I'm contemplating whether or not I should go into the topic of friends...

Nah. I'm all of a sudden tired.

3685.

I can't stop listening to "3685" by The Spill Canvas.

A lot of things have happened since my last post (and I never did mention that Michael Jackson died, so there's that).

But anyway, one thing that sticks out from the 4th to the 18th is that I got into another tiff - well, actually, fight - with Daniel again. I wasn't really expecting this one, it just sort of came out of the blue. It all started with...what is it called kids? That's right! MISUNDERSTANDING. And something the kids wouldn't know: assholiery (opposite equivalent to chivalry and other words associated). It was bad, it was ugly, and it helped me to see things more clearly. Though the basis of our fight wasn't "stupid," and his actions were less than honorable, I have to keep in mind that I'm really not any better. Still, it gave me some closure. Pissed off, exasperated, bewildered, saddened...did I mention pissed off? - it all helped me to understand that I need to make the best of what we have, or still have. One day, a day that will come swiftly I'm sure, we'll be 3685. And we'll look back on our relationship, smile, and continue grilling hot dogs and hamburgers on our backyard grill standing next to our spouse and watching sporadic children run across the yard (hm, well maybe in my case). Sure, this will come with time - the looking back and smiling and not sobbing. But I have no doubt that the moving on will come, for it must. Still, I feel upset when I think about it, and I can't seem to shake it off my mind. Daniel is the first boy I ever loved, been in love with. And my oh my, when I think about our relationship and its wonderful, perfect beginnings, I can't help but to smile a grin that would have you asking me, "Are you okay?" And I'd give you one that said, "Never been better."

It's just so...overwhelming, overpowering, this love I feel. In a lot of ways it feels different than when I first felt it, not as exciting I guess you could say. A lot of things have happened since our perfect four months. A lot. But, my take on relationships is that whatever happens, happens and, everything happens for a reason. Because you learn. You learn from them and tailor your experience to better meet The One. A "system" so to speak. Often times I've thought of Daniel and I in that way - that kind of wishful thinking you can't really stray away from. It's a fun thought to entertain, but ultimately dire. I don't entertain those thoughts any longer. I know they're dire. Now all I want is to spend as much time as I can with him until we part ways. And even though I'd still want to be friends, even though I'd love to know him all my life, I know that this, too, is highly unlikely. I just don't think I could. And I've learned that remaining friends with an ex is...somewhat impossible, at least in my case. Things change. They always change. Whether they be people, places, or "things," they change. Sometimes it just isn't possible, no matter how possible you try to make it be. Things have already started changing for Daniel and I. I don't feel that..."umph" anymore. "You've lost that loving feeling" kind of feeling. I'd say it's fleeting temporarily.

Anyway, other than my coming to grips, I started work. In fact, I have work in a few hours. Goodie. I still hate my manager Elena. William's still annoying and I have so few hours all it's good for is gas and car payments.

As for friends...my, my. It's much too late for that. Next time.

Serving Up an Update.

It hasn't even been a month since my last post and it honestly feels like it's been FOREVER. Being home has been great and I've had a lot of fun. It feels like summer. Yet it feels different. Not your typical summer. A summer I've never experienced. For some reason I have a feeling that this summer will be just like all the summers I've had before and yet, though not apparent, will be the start of something different. And I guess it is. I'm starting another chapter in my life (yet again) with transferring to a new school (I'm still unsure of where) and starting a clean slate. I should feel good, positive, ready to tackle anything. And sometimes I do feel that way. Other times...I feel...like..."whatever." Like I could care less. I suppose that's normal, even expected. After all, I'm only human. But I feel like there's nothing I can do at this point. I've done everything I can to be happy. And I am. But I know I can be happier.

I still feel slightly stressed from time to time. Recently I found out that I'll only have completed 3 units for the entire summer since there's only ONE session at RCC, not TWO like I had thought. I guess I frustrate myself. Well, I don't guess. I know. I'm taking public speaking and it's a cool class. I enjoy it. I have an informative speech due Wednesday and I haven't gotten started on it. Procrastination should be my middle name. But I'm not worried about it, I have the whole weekend to write my outline and tweak it a bit before next week. I also realized I'm bogus behind in units to be able to transfer to Fullerton in the Fall of 2010. So I guess it's Spring or nothing. "Poor planning makes for piss poor performance." It's a quote my dad always tells me, one he learned in the military. It seems I can never adhere to it. I really should. I wish changing yourself could be easier, like using a cheat code in the Sims...but trust me, it is near impossible in real life, as I'm sure you know or can imagine. People make it out to seem easy as lemon squeezy. "If you really want to change, you will." "If you don't try, you won't." What if you really want to and you've really tried? "You're not trying hard enough, just keep trying harder. You have to try harder." Well, I'm tired of trying. "Don't give up." I'm not giving up. I'm acknowledging the fact that I'm tired.

Am I in denial? Or are they nuts?

I'm not sure. It seems every time I try to plan something out, something goes wrong. Either way I do it, I get the same result: problems. But, there's no such thing as perfection. Still, I'm tired of these problems cropping up every time I try to do something "right." It always ends up being "I should have." I should have made sure if there were two sessions of summer school versus just one. I should have taken more classes. I should have studied more. I shouldn't have said that to so and so. I shouldn't have acted that way....A world of minor regret starts to push you to the edge. A breaking point. That point where it simply gets under your skin enough to make you feel like giving up. But then you smack yourself and say, what I am I doing? This is life. This is reality. This is how life really is. And you move on. You keep living. Things won't always work out the way I want them to, no matter how much I want them to or how much I try to make it work out that way. It doesn't have to do with "You didn't try hard enough." Because the truth is, I don't have control over my future. My actions, yes. Maybe I could attribute somewhat to what will happen, where I'll go. But the rest...I have no control over. This doesn't mean I discount "trying." I simply encourage "doing." I've admired the people who "do" versus those who "try." I think the same can be said of everyone. But, what people tend to overlook is the fact that those who "try" might simply be unlucky. And that's okay. Being unlucky you have no control over. It's unfair that people admire the doers over the tryers. But it makes sense, naturally. To do is to succeed. To try is to fail. I think the big picture, for me, is to come to terms with "failing." I've been really lucky all my life. More like blessed. But I need to come to terms with things not working out the way I want, the way I wish they would.

It's a life lesson I need to learn.

Helpless.

I think feeling helpless has to be one of the worst emotions one can feel. Right now, that's how I feel. When something bad happens to a person I care a lot about, something I can do nothing about, I feel and am utterly helpless. I've grown very attached to my roommate Danielle, and one reason I don't want to leave this school is because I know we'll start to drift apart. I'm not being pessimistic, I'm simply being realistic. We both acknowledge this, and we both acknowledge that we are sad about it. But we also acknowledge that these past few months have created a quick yet powerful bond we will never forget. I'll always remember my roommate of my freshmen year in college and how much we hit it off. The late night talks, the complaints, the adventures, the midnight munchies. However, right now, I feel helpless. And since she is one of my closest friends, I feel saddened.

Relationships...my, my, my. When they take a turn for the worse, nothing can make it better. Absolutely nothing. Ain't it a crazy thing. Well, I don't know what's going to happen between her and Aaron...I don't know if she should break up with him now and start the healing process or if she should wait it out another year. It reminds me a lot of when Caitie was here. Every other day being another fight, another night of tears....

I wish I could help. But I know that I can't.

Amazing Grace.

It may seem cliche, it may seem boring, but "Amazing Grace" is my favorite song of all time (and no, not because it includes my name, though that's a plus) before "Pie Jesu." It is one of the only songs that can make goosebumps run up and down my spine, the ONLY one that can make me close my eyes and get lost in its power (without even realizing it). And, of course, it's going to be played at my funeral (along with "Bridge Over Troubled Water"), but not just the instrumental version (bagpipes, naturally), also the vocal (which I'm undecided about). I'm very particular when it comes to the vocal renditions of "Amazing Grace," and only the best get my stamp of approval. I think "Amazing Grace" has the most renditions of any song out there. You really need to get into this song when you're singing it, and I can't get over how powerful it is. I guess another reason I'm so fond of it is because it's apart of my childhood, and beliefs. My dad used to hum the melody to me when he'd tuck me in at night as a little girl, stroking my hair until I fell asleep. He'd sing it around the house in his booming yet gentle voice, cooking breakfast or ironing his uniform, getting ready for work as I sat at the table with a bowl of cereal and a side of my dad's infamous peanut butter and banana sandwiches. I remember going to, ironic enough, Grace Church, where I heard it sung in Korean, people lifting their hands, the smell of spicy kimchi and steamy, sticky rice intermingling with conjoined voices, my mom standing and singing with her eyes closed. I remember hearing it sung in Spanish ("Sublime Gracia" sounds a lot cooler) when I'd visit Agape Church in Tijuana, sitting outside in the dirt coloring with local kids. It holds meaning for me. You could even say it's very important to me.

I simply wanted to make note of this song because it randomly played on my Zune just recently (the Sumi Jo version).

Sunlight.

Yesterday was my one year with Daniel, and though it probably wasn't altogether fulfilling for him, I feel happy - and an even better word meaning the same thing - content. We split a large pizza with mushrooms, pineapples, and sausage - and I'm still feeling the side-effects. I am stuffed, hours after the pizza guzzling. The gifts I got him were a futuristic, NASA-inspired ant farm to keep its ant inhabitants thriving without the need for food or water (he liked this), a handmade card (that took forever and was very laborious), and a tape recording (since he prefers hearing things versus reading things). He gave me another Woot shirt, which I'm beginning to realize is a trend, which I really like; it has two fish swimming upstream on one side (I'm the red one and he's the blue one) and he also gave me a really cool old-looking box with a weird Cubix-like toy shaped into a heart inside, surrounded by rose peddles. Reflecting back on it, I realize we're huge nerds. But I really liked my gifts, now I'm simply waiting for my letter and a few other things he got me, which I'm assuming I'll get once I come home. In his words, he's lagging it. Which is fine since I'm lagging it with his mixed CD. I only wish he could have stayed...alas, it was not to be. His car, a Nissan of course, broke down multiple times while he was here. Him driving home was...scary to think about. But he made it. Thank the Lord. Santa Barbara really doesn't like him...or his car.

It seems like this past year flew by in the blink of an eye, and yet, when you really think about it, so, so, incredibly slowly. Like when you think about being ten and realize how fast time flies, except now the memories are fresh and it seems like that year seemed to just drag on and on and on. I know I'll have those same feelings of this year for the rest of my life - of it just dragging on and on and on. I remember the times where I thought the school year would never come to an end, and I'd feel like balling until I couldn't produce any more tears. Good thing those days are behind me because I wouldn't be able to handle any more of them. I'm finally leaving this dreadful school to be reunited with my one true love and family and real people, not identical clones. I've never been more excited for anything in my life. And that's saying a lot.

Destination: Fontana
Allotted time: 12 days

Take Me Away.

I just might have an anger management problem...or at least developed one while here. Today, after my women's studies class, I got on my bike and started riding back to my dorm. In front of me, not too far away, was a girl (also in my women's studies class) who is a bit heavyset and rides a scooter around school. I call her Scooter Girl. Since we were in IV, or douchebag central, there were a surplus of cars; it's almost like playing a game of Frogger - except you don't have unlimited lives to spare. I was passing her up when the car who had been making its way down the street rolled their window down and started laughing at her - directly at her....

I can't even...I really can't even express how much...complete and utter disgust I felt....

I was so pissed off. So...angry. I started yelling at them...and I honestly don't know what I said...and then I chased them on my bike, their laughs directed towards me now. I must have looked crazy...in fact, I think I did go a little crazy.

I'm getting really scared...staying here is...I really don't think it's good for me, mentally. I just lost it today. If they would've gotten out of their cars...I really think that I would have tried to fight them...

What is happening to me?

What is wrong with people? Why do they have to be such assholes? How could you keep laughing after you saw that girl's face? How much more damage have you done to her insecurity at this Goddamn all-about-looks-school by doing that? Why are people...

...I can't even find the words. They don't exist.